Snow

Chapter Nineteen

"You owe me an explanation." Was the first thing I said when Andy walked through the front door after a day in the studio. He looked shocked by the fact that I was at home, and that I was already demanding an explanation. "Well?" I put a hand on my hip and watching with an eyebrow raised as he hung his coat up and ran a hand through his hair.

"Okay, let's go inside. I'll tell you." He sounded annoyed, but I wasn't sure who it was aimed at - me or himself. I wasn't sure which one would be preferable, but I hadn't really considered the thought that he might be mad at me.

As we sat down on the couch, Peanut jumped onto my lap and I smiled, running my hand over her coat and letting her chew on the wires of my earphones. I didn't look up when Andy sighed and began to speak, listening to him without making eye contact. "So, basically, on Wednesday something happened and..." He stopped himself, and I could feel his eyes on me as he struggled to find his words. "We were at that shop buying the guys' suits and this girl came up to us..."

I stiffened at his words, unsure of where he was going with this story. "I'm so sorry." He breathed, and I felt my eyes fill with tears and I jumped to my feet and began to pace, making Peanut run across the room in shock.

"Just tell me, Andrew. I need to hear it." My eyes were dry and hard when I looked back at him, leaning against the wall across the room with my arms crossed. "Tell me." I yelled when he didn't speak, making both of us jump at my volume. "Just say it." This time my voice was soft and I could feel the tears returning. I turned to face the wall, leaning my forehead against the cold surface and breathing deeply.

"She kissed me." His words were short and to the point, but they hit me hard. I struggled to keep myself calm as he continued to speak. "She just came up to us, introduced herself, and kissed me. And I... I kissed her back." His voice cracked at the end of his words and my eyes closed tightly as I tried to block out his voice. "Only for about two seconds, and then I pushed her away. Ask the guys if you don't believe me - they all saw it."

"So that's why I haven't seen them lately? They've been avoiding me to hide your secret?" I spat, turning to face him with my fists clenched. "You know what? I wouldn't have been angry if you hadn't fucking kissed her back." My eyes were filling with tears but I refused to let them fall as I glared. "And then, on top of that, you ignore me for days and make me feel like absolute shit. If you'd told me, I wouldn't care nearly this much - I've been kissed by fans before. I mean, sure, I've never kissed any of them back, but I always told you - straight away." My words were harsh, but I couldn't find an ounce of regret as they escaped me. He was looking at the floor as I spoke, and I could see him shaking as I struggled to keep myself from yelling.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm fucking sorry. It was a mistake - I didn't think. And I know that isn't an excuse, and there's nothing I can say to make this better. I just... I'm really, really sorry, Lala. Please don't hate me." He breathed, tears in his eyes as he looked up, meeting my eyes and taking my hands in his. I stood limp and silent as he spoke, unable to speak as the anger drained out of me.

"You've been ignoring me for days, and then I found out it's because you cheated? How am I supposed to feel, Andy?" I said softly, unable to hold back the tears that were quickly filling my eyes. "How am I supposed to feel?" My words were quiet, but they clearly hit him hard as he dropped my hands and got to his feet, pacing the room and tugging on the ends of his hair.

"I'm sorry, Lala. I fucked up, royally, but I swear to God I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to kiss her back or let her near me in the first place. I should've pushed her away instantly, but I was shocked. I was shocked and stupid and I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry." I looked up at him from behind the hair that hung in my eyes, blinking back tears as I saw the self-hatred in his eyes.