Snow

Chapter Thirty Six

It was Andy's night to stay at the house, and I was nervous as hell. We'd discussed the 'rules' of his stay in detail, and I knew we were both aware of the fact that it was unlikely to turn out as planned. For one, Willow was unwilling to sleep in the same room as his without me. And, for two, the tension in the house had nothing to do with our argument, but the fact that we were stood in a bedroom wearing our pyjamas. For him, the outfit consisted of a pair of boxer shorts - for me, it was short cotton shorts and a shirt with a dangerously low neckline.

I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, lowering my eyes from his chest to the little girl at my feet. "You're gonna stay in here with Daddy tonight Will, but I'll be just down the hall. You know where I sleep, so come find me if you need me." I told her quietly, smiling in a way I hoped was comforting.

She made a sound of protest and buried her head in the side of my leg, eyes shut and thumb in her mouth. "Will, you know your Daddy. I'll be just down the hall, love." She shook her head again, squeezing her eyes shut and refusing to look at either of us. "What if I sleep in here too?" I asked finally, seeing the vaguely hurt look on his face. "Momma will sleep on the couch, and you can sleep with Daddy in the bed?"

"You and Daddy." She insisted, finally looking up at me from between her drooping eyelids. "Please, Momma." Letting out a sigh, I nodded and swallowed back my protests.

"Okay, Will. But just this once - next time, just Daddy. Okay?" She nodded, suddenly energetic as she ran at the bed. Rolling my eyes, I crossed my arms over my chest and looked over at Andy. "Just this once - and Will lies between us." He nodded, holding back a smile, and got into the bed. I got in too, patting the spot between us for Will to sit down.

When she pushed herself into the small gap between me and the wall, I sighed and moved closer to Andy. "No touching." I said finally, lying with Willow against my chest and Andy just inches from my back. "At all."

"I'll be good." Already, I could feel his warmth radiating onto my back, and I let out a sigh. "Just let me know if you change your mind." His breath hot on my neck was too much, so I pushed myself closer to Willow.

Knowing he lay so close, I struggled to keep my breathing in check. Once Will had fallen asleep, I eased myself away from her and pulled myself into a sitting position. "I'm going downstairs." I told Andy quietly, stepping out of the bed with a kiss on the top of Will's head. "Stay with her."

Despite my words, Andy followed me downstairs some time later. I was curled up in a ball on the couch when he came down, a mug of coffee warming my hands and a blanket over my legs. "What's up?" Andy asked, coming over to sit beside me in the dark. "Couldn't sleep?" I shook my head, resting my head against his shoulder with a sigh. "Talk to me, Lala. Tell me how you're feeling." He pleaded, tilting my face to look at him with gentle hands.

"I'm not." I answered with the same words I'd given following Sammi's death. "I have to look out for Will, and I can't do that if I'm feeling anything but love for her." He looked like he was about to protest, but I shook my head. "If I let myself feel, I'll be stressed and sad and angry. I'm already exhausted - and terrified every time you come near - and she doesn't need to be exposed to that."

"You're right about having to look out for Kota, but you also have to look out for yourself, Lala. You can't hold yourself together forever, and bottling it in will only make it worse in the long run." I bit my lip and avoided his eyes, and he pressed on. "How're you really feeling? When you're not holding yourself back from it, I mean."

"I'm tired. I'm tired and sad and angry. I feel almost... trapped - as though I'm stuck in some hole I can't escape from. I love Willow, and I'm completely happy to look after her, but it's difficult. Sometimes I just want to... I don't know, I want to get away from it all. I'm stuck, I'm sad, I'm just sort of taking each day as it comes and feeling worse as it passes. I can't carry on like this, and yet I don't have a choice. I have to - for Willow, for the fans, for everyone."