Loverboy || Malum

Chapter Thirty-Two

C A L U M ' S  P O V 

The following day

"I'm not doing it," I said clearly. I spent all night practicing how to say that sentence without it sounding like I wasn't completely positive of my decision, even though I wasn't very sure that it was the right thing to do. I thought about what Mali said to me last night, and I did exactly what I believe my brain, and not my heart, told me to do. I know many people relapse after cold turkey, and I know that I've self like shit the past few weeks of my life, but I made progress and that was what was important to me, not the fact I felt like shit. At least I was able to quit.

"What do you mean you're not doing it?" Ashton asked with an annoyed tone. "You can't not do it, you're a kid, Calum. If you keep going like this, you're about as good as a rock. You can hardly move, speak or even feel anything but pain."

"Ashton!" Luke screeched offendedly. "He might have done stupid stuff, but you know what he still has? Feelings. Quit being a dick to him before I punch you in the dick."

I chuckled, mentally thanking Luke for defending me. It was good to know at least one of the two are on my side. I didn't tell Michael I wasn't doing the whole rehab thing because I felt like he deserved to know separately. He helped me through most of the nights where I did nothing but puke and feel like utter shit, so I thought he deserved a proper explanation.

"Like I said Ashton, I'm not doing it. I've worked hard. You don't see it, but I feel it in every possible way or form. Sure, I haven't been to school, but I haven't touched the only thing that can make me feel better physically, mentally and emotionally, and you know what? I think that's the best thing I have ever fucking done. If you don't accept my choice, the door is right there, you can leave. I'm not forcing you to accept my choices, but I'm asking you, as your best friend, to understand my point of view in this. I'm asking you to understand that what I'm currently doing feels a lot worse than being stabbed with a knife repeatedly a hundred times." I said honestly. 

He sighed, and didn't look the happiest, but nodded his head. And that's when I realised how lucky I was to the two in my life.

* * *

Michael and I sat outside in my backyard. I was a bit slower because moving still hurt. It was like repeatedly working the same muscle out until all you can feel was pain. He, however, held my hand, smiled at me, and was patient. He didn't make me feel like I had to walk faster and he didn't rush me. He walked at the same pace as me, and he felt me so carefully. It was usually me holding him carefully, trying to take care of him, but now it's reverse and all I feel is so much love. And I hope to whoever is up there that he feels the same way as I do when I do the same to him.

"How are you?" he asked. 

Just those three words make me want to puke out rainbows and happiness, that's the way the boy made me feel. He made me feel so many things I've never felt with anyone, and it scared me a lot to think that one day he might leave me. One day he might realise how much of a shitty person I am, and how all I do is fuck up, and just leave me.

"Worse than before," I answered truthfully. He looked at me sadly, but nodded, understanding what I meant. "How're you?"

He looked up at the stars. "I don't know," he answered. "Worried for you. Scared for school. Happy because of my grades I guess." He looked back at me. "I got a 100 on my physics test!" He didn't sound truly happy, though, but I think he made it quite obvious his feelings aren't something he wanted to speak about right now.

"Yeah? How was it?" I asked, willing to change the subject.

"Not bad, I guess, I mean I did get a 100. But, I thought I wasn't going to do as good."

"You always think that, and you always get anything about a 95, babe."

"I got a 93 once, actually," he corrected me.

I furrowed my eyebrows. He never said anything about getting something below a 95% to me. "When?"

He sucked in a breath, not expecting that question. "Long time ago, not a big deal," he said quickly.

I shook my head. He was an awful liar. The boy was a clumsy, little kitten, who happened to be very smart and a very shit liar. "Michael, no. When?"

He sighed. "When you and Nicole like became a thing I guess? I wasn't focusing and I didn't finish the test, but whatever right, it's a 93, it's not like it brought down my average to a 96 or anything," he nervously laughed.

"Oh," I breathed.

"Yeah," he looked down at the ground. "But enough about me, you wanted to talk?"

"Oh, yeah." Suddenly, I felt nervous, and terrified. This wasn't just my future, but this was the future of everything Michael and I as well. "I.. um, so, I'm not doing it?" I squeaked.

I looked at Michael. His expression was blank. 

"Okay," he said, shrugging.

"Okay?" I asked, frustratedly.

"Yeah," he smiled lightly. "It's okay, Calum. You're afraid, but it was your choice, not mine, not anyone else's. If you don't want to go, no one is going to hold a gun to your head and make you go. It's okay, Calum. Everything will be okay."

- - - 

So.. the weekened, right? haha, sorry!!! lots of shit happened, let's just keep it at that. I'll try to update at least once a week or so. i don't know if anyone actually still reads this story, but yeah!

also if you rp on tumblr, I'm co admining my friends rp! the url is room93hq.tumblr.com you guys should totally check it out if you rp!