She Wouldn't Say Goodbye. (Guns N' Roses)

Twenty One

-Izzy-

After we went back inside, Kat closed the door behind us. I leaned against the wall, puffing on my cigarette. I couldn't really read her emotions, or the expression on her face. I felt really stupid after running away from her, we'd been best friends since Elementary school and used to practice kissing on each other for fucks sake! Now that I'm a grown adult I run away from her, what the hell. Kat leaned up beside me, letting out a few puffs of smoke. She seemed to really be studying me. "What?" My voice caught in my throat, sounding raspy. I took a puff off of my smoke and waited for her response. She looked down at her feet, taking another drag, before looking back up at me and crashing her lips to mine. It was really surprising. I didn't know if I was taking it too far, but I put my hand on the back of her neck. She didn't seem to mind and responded by coming a little closer to me and putting her warm hand on my chest. We kissed for what seemed like minutes, but in reality was only like a couple of seconds. We moved our faces a few inches away and just kind of stood there.  I cleared my throat and moved my hand from her neck down to the middle of her back. She grasped at the line layer of fabric on my button down shirt and played with one of the button holes. I just threw my cigarette butt on the floor, snubbing it out with my boot.  "You have to make me a promise, Jeff." She spoke, breaking our ongoing silence. Woah, serious.  "What is that?" She looked at me, making me make eye contact with her.  "We can't tell Axl about this, he'll flip." I nodded my head.  "I agree with you completely. Besides not everything we do is his business."  It went silent for a little while again.  "What does this mean?" She questioned.  "I don't know, you kissed me." She pulled her hand off my chest and gave me a light slap. "You kissed me first, Izzy." I grabbed her again kissing her lips and cheeks. "I was going to leave it at that."  "Get off me!" She laughed, trying to get away. But I grabbed her really quick and slung her around. Just as we were acting like a pack of idiots, Axl walked in. He glanced up and down at us. "Why are you two standing right in the doorway?" He questioned, trying to get around us in the small space.

-Kat-

I looked at Izzy.  "We were?" I looked at him quickly for a response.  "Fighting." He finished my statement. That was a really bad response, Axl knew we didn't fight.  "Yeah, Izzy was going to leave. And we got into an argument."  Axl looked at me, totally not buying it.  "But it looks like you just came back?" Axl said, pointing to the plastic bags thrown in the floor. Izzy had even left the beer sitting out when he came to the bathroom to talk to me.  "Well, I did. But we got into the fight and I was going to leave again, but for a long time." Izzy said. I started laughing at him, I couldn't help myself.  Axl shook his head and threw the beer in the mini fridge with a little excessive force. He was pissed off or upset, I felt guilty for doing that to him. Even if he didn't know Izzy and I kissed, like ten seconds before he walked in the door.  I mean- he's not an idiot he knows we were up to something, right?  "Anyways, um- I have a show tomorrow night with London if you guys want to go, I forgot to mention it." Izzy said, trying to change the subject completely. Axl nodded his head, trying to calm down.  "Yeah, that'd be fine right, Axl. We can go and drink on Izzy's bar tab." Axl smiled a little at that. Izzy bumped his hip into me. "Go ahead I'm not ever paying it anyways."   "Pretty soon you aren't going to get into any bars." I said, with an eye roll.  "Not to mention he's only been twenty one for like a few months." Axl added.  "Oh, whatever. I won't get kicked out of every bar in California, that's probably like fucking impossible." Iz grabbed a pack of cigarettes off the table and lit one.  "Anyways, I've gotta go. I have stuff to get done." He grabbed his car keys. I gave him a death glare, he was leaving me alone to get questioned by Axl. I could kill him. He shrugged his shoulders like he didn't notice and walked out, stopping at the front door.   "You need me to pick anything up on my way back?"  Axl and I nodded.  "Naw, go ahead." Axl said waving Izzy off.  As soon as Izzy was in his car, you could hear him start it up and speed off out of the driveway, squealing his tires on the way out.   "What have you guys been doing?" Axl questioned, getting up to close the front door.            "Oh, me? Just nothing really, like Izzy said we got into it a little bit ago."   Axl looked over at me.    "Are you serious, Kat? You and Jeff have never and will never fight."    "Well we did now, it's more stressful then it used to be. We're poor and well you know."   I was really trying to plead a case here, but God knows I didn't have one, Axl knew that. He was outsmarting me and we both knew it. Axl let out a sigh and threw himself down on the bed, face first. I laid down beside him, waiting for him to say or do something, but he didn't.  He just laid there with his face on the bed, using his arms as a pillow.  I hated when he was silent, no matter what he always had something to say.  It always made me feel like something was really wrong. Axl's mood swings always kind of made me feel strange anyways.  We laid there like that for what felt like an hour,  but in reality probably wasn't more then ten minutes. The silence was really starting to kill me, I sat up and looked over him.  "Bill?" He didn't look up.   "Bill, talk to me."  He shook his head.   "Don't call me that, I'm- not that person anymore."   "Okay, then. Axl talk to me."   He still didn't move.   "Please you're worrying me."  I let out a sigh, "Just say anything, tell me your troubles. Have I done something, just talk to me, please. I can't stand you going quite like this. If you are mad or upset, or wanna cry even' it's better just to let it all out."   The seconds seem to tick by slowly.  Axl abruptly sat up, looking at me in the eyes.   "I can't do this either, Kat.  I- I can't, I don't know what to do, okay. Just tell me, do you love Jeff? Do you want to be with him, is this what all these secrets are about? Because you know damn well I'm always honest with you, and you aren't honest with me anymore. I feel like you haven't been honest with me since we've lived in California. I miss you."  Axl pulled his legs up to his chest and hugged them. I wasn't entirely shocked to hear him say all these things, but I didn't know he felt them that way.  "Ax, I don't know what to say. Of course I love Jeff, but- as a friend,  I haven't been secretive with you. You've been with Gina, or with your bands. Me and him have just been spending more time together 'cause you haven't been here. To be honest I miss you too, but I just assume you are just doing what you want to do." He laughed condescendingly.  "You don't get it." Axl shook his head.  I was starting to get a little confused, and a little angry what was I missing?  "Get what?" He moved his legs so he was sitting cross legged, facing me.  "You don't give a fuck about me do you? Ever since I saw you at that shitty high school, I Knew you were better those people. I knew you were fucking better then me. But that didn't stop me from adoring you, from loving you. Kat, I love you. I always have and if you would rather have whatever you have with Jeff, I can't say I'd be fine with that. I know you two have known each other longer then you and I. Fuck- I sound completely insane."  After Axl got finished talking, my mouth just kind of hung open. He really felt that strongly about me? I knew we both had lingering feelings for each other, but he loved and adored me?  I was staring to feel defensive. "Of course I give a fuck about you, I never knew you felt that strongly for me. I haven't ever said I wanted to be with Jeff. How did any of this happen, I see what you're saying- about us being further apart. I can't tell you enough how much I care about you, Axl. I'm not like everyone else, our relationship isn't like anything else. I thought you knew I loved you back." His eyes softened looking at me. I continued, "I'm not better then you, we made it out of Lafayette together, we're still in it together. Or at least that's what I thought."    "I want to know, Kitty Kat. You have to tell me, have you been seeing Jeff?" He grabbed my hands tightly in his, staring into my eyes. There was a lump in my throat, I didn't feel like I was going to cry, but I just couldn't talk, I just wanted to  run away like a child and hide.   "We kissed once, but that's all. I haven't ever been with him."  Axl seemed to be taken a back that we'd ever even kissed, suppose he thought I would say we hadn't?  "When?" He still held my hands in his, my palms felt sweaty.  There was a lot of nervous tension between us. "Before you walked in, today."   His eyes were wide.  "I knew he it." He muttered, looking down at our hands.   "It didn't mean anything, Ax. You have to trust me."   He shook his head.   "Trust you?" He said, testing the word. I wasn't sure if I should say anything else, or let him linger on it.  His green eyes came back up to look at my face, and I could see all the pent up emotions behind them. All the hurt, pain, anger just burning in them, he looked like a scared child.  I wanted nothing more then to throw my arms around him and kiss him until we both suffocated, giving him all the endless affection he deserved as a kid and all the love he needed from anyone. He was the most beautiful person I ever known, inside and out. He never meant to hurt anyone, and I never meant to hurt him. Though I knew then that I had, I thought I hadn't- I thought I was the only person he had. That was stupid of me to think anyways, he wasn't a little kid. I wasn't the only person in his life, I wasn't the only woman in town. How stupid was I? Too live in this illusion, that California would be like the garden of Eden, instead of a place- a town- a city just like any other. Axl looked closer to tears then I was, he pulled his hands away from mine, he put them around himself.  "Axl?" He didn't answer me.  "Are you mad?" He shook his head 'no'.   "I'm not mad. I have no reason to be mad, Kat. I'm not always mad, or upset, or something. You don't have to coddle after me."  I laughed self consciously,  "I'm sorry- you're right. I never meant to be such an imperious ass." I admitted feeling really bad about the situation we had made our way into. Axl started laughing loudly.  "What the hell, Kitty. Imperious ass- where the heck, did you get that term?" I glanced over at him with a pout, I felt stupid at that point, I had really thought myself up and now he was laughing?   "What?" He kept chuckling, "Nothing, it's just funny." I smacked him on the arm.   "Stop laughing at me."   "Come here and stop." He leaned forward, pulling me into his lap.  "Stop pouting, everything's fine."  I looked at his face.   "I thought you were mad?" He shook his head.  "No, I just had to make you think I was mad."   "You are so mean!" I giggled, calming down.  "I'm going to razz the hell outta, Izzy. Just so you know." Axl said with enthusiasm.  "That's fine, I'm sure he's got a nice box to go sleep in somewhere anyways."