Chim - Turn To Stone

Chapter 6

Six

We both sat in the car in silence, so close yet it felt like we were worlds apart. I started the engine, having absolutely no clue where I was heading, drove out of the multi story car park and decided that I would wait for Cheryl to speak.

She took a deep breath, probably trying to compose herself and build up the courage to talk to me. “I miss you” she said simply, turning her head to look at me, although I continued to concentrate on the road in front of me.

“did you miss me when you were sh***ing him” I asked her calmly, although she could sense the anger that sat behind my cool exterior. I knew she didn’t have an answer for it, there could never really be an answer to a question like that could there?

Instead she looked at me as if I had stabbed her in the chest.

“did you miss me when you nearly pushed me out of the door to be with him” I went on, it was like I had opened a flood gate, all the things that I knew I shouldn’t be saying were just coming out of my mouth.

“I mean, what exactly happened Cheryl? Did you plot it all behind my back, maybe you were both laughing at me whilst you were doing it” I had to take a few deep breaths to control myself, and more importantly my driving. I still wasn’t really sure where I was heading, but I had found my way on to the motorway.

“it wasn’t like that, I never meant to hurt you , it was just a silly mistake” she rambled, turning in her seat to face me.

“don’t play all your trump cards at once Cheryl” I snapped back sarcastically, referring to the fact that she had basically told me all the text book excuses, at least she had the sense not to use the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.

“you have every right to shout and scream at me, and I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me for the rest of your life, but I need you to understand that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you, and I’m sorry that you had to see…what you seen” she said, her voice shaking as she started to sob.

I pulled in to a lay-by, the green fields around us were amazing, and under other circumstances, we might even have come here together to enjoy the view, but today, I might as well have been sitting in a land fill sight, because I couldn’t really see the beauty in anything. 

The silence consumed us both again, it hung in the air like a third person sat in the car with us. “remember when we first started to become friends” I asked her, breaking the silence. She nodded with a sad smile.

“I was going out with that guy, and you told him that if he ever hurt me he would have you to deal with” I reminisced aloud, giving an empty laugh.

“yeah” she nodded, sensing what I was about to say.

“I never loved anybody the way I loved you, you know, and nobody has ever hurt me the way you did. You broke my heart Cheryl, and you honestly expect me to just forgive you” I asked her, this time I was genuinely intrigued at the answer, surely she wasn’t expecting me to just forgive and forget.

She averted her eyes to the floor, too ashamed to look at me. Maybe she hadn’t really realized just how much I was hurting, just how much she had completely destroyed me.

“do you know how much I loved you” I asked her, unbuckling my seatbelt and turning in my seat so that we were facing each other.

“loved” she muttered under her breath so low that, if I wasn’t listening very well, I might have missed it.

“what” I said, asking her to repeat herself.

“you keep saying loved, I know you are angry with me Kimberley, but you cant just stop loving someone like that” she said.

I swallowed hard, a lump had begun to form in my throat because I was so upset. “I’ve never stopped loving you Cheryl, but if I could…if I could take a pill to make myself stop loving you, I would” it was harsh but she needed to hear it and more importantly, I needed to say it.

“please don’t say that” she cried. Her tears started to roll down her cheeks as she wiped at her eyes to control herself.

“why?” I shouted, tears starting to well up in my own eyes. “does it hurt? Does it feel like your heart has been ripped out and destroyed? Because that’s how I feel, that’s how you have made me feel” I finished, letting the tears come silently down my face.

“you are my heart and soul Kimberley. Have I lost you for good” she asked, her big brown eyes blinking away the tears as she looked at me expectantly.

Despite my anger, despite all the pain and the tears I had shed, I honestly couldn’t answer her question. I was looking at the woman that I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and the thought of not being with her, even after what she did, was tearing me in two.