Chim - Turn To Stone

Chapter 7

seven

And all the kisses you've stolen

With every whisper and word you say

I just need to know

“I thought you respected me too much to ever cheat on me” I told her. I had managed to stop myself from crying, and although my voice was a little bit shaky from the sobs I was quite calm.

It was strange really, I knew I shouldn’t be calm, I should be mad, I should really want to lash out and scream in her face, but I didn’t feel any of that. I hoped it was for some other reason than I had given up caring.

“I will hate myself fro the rest of my life for betraying you” she said quietly, her eyes still looking anywhere but at me.

“how would I ever trust you again” I asked her, still maintaining my cool exterior. I knew the answer, in truth, I would never truly trust her again. Even if I took her back, I’d always be wondering where she was, who she was with, why she wasn’t with me.

I’d always be looking over my shoulder, wondering who she was looking at. I couldn’t even narrow it down to not trusting her around other women. If I took her back, I wouldn’t be able to trust her around anyone.

“I don’t know” she replied honestly. Despite what she probably thought, the conversation was actually breaking my heart. I love Cheryl, I always have, and a part of me, no matter what happens, will always love her. Normally when someone you love is crying beside you, crying without even trying to hold it back because they are hurting so much…all you want to do is wipe away their tears and make everything better.

That’s what I wanted to do, it was my instinct. I passed her a tissue before sitting on my hands to stop myself from touching her.

“was it something I did” I asked her after a while. I knew what she was going to say, of course she was going to say no, but I needed to know. A part of me wished that it was my fault, as crazy as that sounded. At least if I knew it was me, if it was something I did, I could accept it and move on knowing that I had myself to blame.

“no” Cheryl replied, shaking her head.

“was it something I didn’t do” I continued, pushing for an answer.

“Kimberley, it wasn’t you. I wish I had a reason, but I don’t. I really don’t. He was just there, and I had a moment of weakness” she said back to me.

I opened the window to let some air in to the car, the swooshing noise of the traffic was a welcome distraction as I contemplated what she had just said.

“how many ‘moments of weakness’ have you had” I asked her, my voice a little edgy although I was trying really hard not to shout. “there are always going to be temptations around you Cheryl, how do I know you wont do it again”

“If you give me just one more chance, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy. I know you think that I don’t love you but I do, I never stopped, I just made a stupid mistake”

I sighed deeply before starting the engine. In truth, i could have sat in that lay-by for hours, but we were going around in circles, everything that I needed to know couldn’t be answered, maybe there was no answer to why somebody cheats on you.

Maybe people just do it for the kick, because they think they can get away with it. It was possible, but it didn’t make me feel any easier. I admitted to myself that we were going through a slight rough patch, but only because we were finding it really hard to get any time alone together. I know she missed me when she was doing all her other projects, but that hardly constitutes a reason for cheating on somebody does it?

I drove back in to the centre of London, neither of us saying a word to each other. Cheryl sat silently looking out of the window, lost in her own thought while I tried to sift through all the emotions going on in my head. I think, in the last three days, I had gone through just about every emotion possible.

Somehow I managed to find myself in my hotel car park. Cheryl sat beside me silently, although I could see the confusion on her face. I don’t know why I came back to the hotel, it wasn’t really a conscious decision, I had intended to drop Cheryl off at the house…at our house, but here I was sat in the car park.

“do you remember the first time we kissed” Cheryl asked me. Her voice cut through the silence, but somehow it remained small. She smiled at the memory that must have popped up in her head, but it wasn’t her usual bright smile. It was a sad smile, one that suggested it hurt even to raise her lips.

“it was raining” I told her. I remembered it like it was yesterday. “you were wearing black jeans and a tiny little strappy top. We got locked out of the recording studios and I gave you my coat so you wouldn’t get cold”.

We both thought back to that day. That was our first kiss, it shocked us both so much that we didn’t really speak of it for a long time, until we went out and got drunk and took it further.

I remember walking up to the recording studio door and finding it closed. We huddled together underneath a tiny little ledge that was providing no shelter what so ever and when I looked at Cheryl, her lips were trembling, she was so cold.

I was wearing a coat and a jumper underneath, so I sacrificed my coat so that she wouldn’t get to wet. It really was lashing it down, the type of rain that makes you want to dance around the street in.

She hugged me close, probably to get warm, and our lips met. She kissed me first, but I didn’t stop her. The rain dripped down our faces and soaked our hair, but it didn’t matter, because in that one moment, it felt like the world had stood still.  I pulled away after a minute, realising that we were out in the open and anyone could have seen us. 

I knew that she had only took me back to that memory for her own benefit. Maybe she thought I would remember all the good times we shared, all the times she had made me laugh until I cried, Maybe she thought that memory was powerful enough to sway me.

It was working.

“If I could go back to that day I would” she laughed sadly.

I nodded in agreement, “me too”.

“there are so many days I wish I had just stopped what I was doing and looked at you, but I never thought there would come a time when I might not get the chance too” she told me.

“I remember the first time you said you loved me” I told her, changing the subject before I started to cry again. “and the last time” I added quietly, but just loud enough for her to hear it.

“I remember the first argument we had, the first time we had sex, our first anniversary. I remember it all Cheryl”

She nodded her head, I knew she remembered too.

“but it scares me. It scares me that I might take you back and in ten years, I will be remembering your first affair” I said to her honestly before putting my hand on the door handle.

“I wish there was something I could say, just to make you realise how sorry I am, and how I will never do anything to hurt you ever again. I wish I could make you understand that I love you” she said.

“I know you do” I replied before getting out of the car and shutting the door.