female robbery • malum

rant

this was supposed to be an author's note for chapter 25 but it's too long

so i took my permit test yesterday and apparently a to like d is the hardest and i got c and i was on the last question and i already missed six and i got it wrong and i hate myself so much because i studied for god knows how long and i fu.cking failed. not only that a to d are easy questions they're just TRICK questions so i feel so stupid for not having common sense. on top of that when i got in the car and brothers made comments saying it was a waste of two hours and my sister was saying how i knew i was going to fail and my mom was like "guess i need to pay another seven dollars" and i screamed at her because she told everyone else not to make comments yet made one herself and she told me if i outburtsed like that again i'd lose everything i have. 

i don't understand parent logic anymore.

i dont.

i have to take the test again on tuesday and i did go over my mistakes and i read the book another 353 fu.cking times and i cried the entire night because it said 80% pass and it's not common to fail and i fu.cking hate myself so much. 

to make things worse, i went to go get my piercing changed out because my ring caused some trauma and it wasn't working well so i switched back to the stud and when i got there the lady at the counter, who, had no f.ucking buisness in the tension between my mom because she had just yelled at me in the car, asked, "are you treating your mom right? because i don't give service to those who treat their mom bad. it's my number one rule. have you been lovin on your mom?" and i just shrugged and my mom was like "NOPE YOU CAN SEE THE FUMES COMING OUT OF ME CAN'T YOU????????" and i nearly cried at the counter so i said sorry the comment was just really mean and then she laughed and went "you see? she only does that when she wants something." 

so the lady had to go after that to work on someone else while my stud was being staralized and my mom decided to go all out and she was still really angry and i wanted to cry again and i asked her why she even said the comment in the first place and she goes "it doesn't matter i'm your mother and you shouldn't talk to me like that"

but really

r e a l l y

she saw i was crying in the car because of my siblings comments and she turned towards me with a fu.cking smile on her face and THEN said the comment. she was pushing my buttons for fun she fu.cking knew it. not ONLY THAT yes it gets better, she uses the 'im your mother' all the f.ucking time its just an excuse. 

"why did you drag me downstairs by the hair and throw me in the back seat of a car and threaten to drop me off on the side of a highway at the age of 11?"

"because i'm your mother"

see how it works?

if the day couldn't have gotten any fu.cking worse, while i took the test she went through my phone that, was at 90% when i put it on airplane mode and turned it off to save battery, and then was at 65% with recent settings and i thought it was still good UNTIL I FU.CKING HELD DOWN THE BUTTON AND ALL MY RECENT APPLICATIONS WERE OPEN TO EVERYTHING SHE WENT THROUGH. she went through my conversations, my photos, my fu.cking instagram, pretty sure my mail???? and then we went to the store and she's like "you've been acting weird lately with your phone and now this" AND I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT WITH MY PHONE

BEFORE YOU SAY I WAS PROBABLY BEING SUSPICOUS

I WAS NOT

I TURNED IT OFF AND PUT IT IN HER PURSE 

H E R

PURSE

IF IT WAS SUSPICOUS I WOULD HAVE GIVEN IT TO MY BROTHER OR SOMETHING BUT NO I PUT IT IN HER KEEPING AND SHE FU.CKING WENT THROUGH IT

i'm literally so disgusted and terrified because one of my conversations was with my gf and i did erase it before because i always do but i kept one i talked to her during school and it was just a normal conversation but i said ily and she said it back and my mom is like the biggest homophobe on the planet, side track that both my parents are homophobes. 

now she's playing pretend like i don't know and if you think i left the applications open, my brother came up next to me and told me she was reading through my messages.

i dont? i just feel so fu.cking violated like if i was dead the first thing she would do is go through my phone she wouldn't even fu.cking cry. 

forgive me if im wrong, but she's the biggest asshole on this entire planet and i fu.cking hate her. i know you shouldn't hate your mom but i don't think i can even fu.cking look at her anymore. she is not my mother, she doesn't deserve to be my mother, she will never. be my mother. 

and no, don't go "really???? over a phone??? get over it she's going to be snoopy"

she is fu.cking more than that.