Day 36:
" I need a little more luck than a little bit,
I need a little more help than a little bit..."
I sit quietly in the dark, feeling pain same as always, nothing new in here...
My life is just soo empty... I feel sick from all these shits repeating every day! I am sooo weak... I try to be strong, 'cause when im weak demons attack me hardest! I want a day without any pain, with happiness, full life, something I already had! And I appriciated it then! And it lasted so short! But just like a pheonix we rise from ashes of dead ones... Maybe that past me is dead now, but I shall rise from ashes and soar into the sky. Cuz there is no better feeling than that. But now Im here with this pain! :) Yay
When you 1st time start feeling depressive you realize soon there are 2 voices in you:
The one that says: cut, you are not worth food, you should not live (demons)
And the other that says: Dont cut, you are worth food, you should live... (Angels)
But after over 300 days demons got so much more powerful, so many of them, so strong, so hard to beat... I dont know how long will i be able to fight them...
Day 37:
"Beauty is only skin deep... In this world there are only 2 things that goes deeper than skin... Cuts and love"
This quote made me realize something today... It made me realize that when you love no cuts can hurt you, only the person you love... Someone hurts you cuz you let him/her hurt you! You let him/her cuz you love that person, more than your life... You trust that person, more than yourself and at any time of the day you would cut just so that person can live... But life is not like that! You cannot cut to save somebody, you cannot sit and cry and say you helped someone, cause the hard but obvious truth is you didnt! You can help someone with a kind word, gentle touch or just beeing there next to him/her! You might now say: wow, really good advice
And then ask me what i did... Well all i did was i let go... All I ever prayed for was for her to be happy not for my happiness... I sat in quite, didnt want to bother her and I prayed God to help her, I told Him to give me ALL her misery and to take my smile and give it to her... And I will tell you something, it did not fucking happend! Yes, He took my smile and gave me pain, but he didnt give her smile! Why? Cause thats not how life works! You cannot trade cuts or pain or smile or love! To help someone else you need to help yourself 1st! Its not selfish! Its needed to survive! I say all this cause I dont want anyone else to make same mistake as I! Cause this kind of pain I wouldnt wish to my worst enemy...
Day 38:
"Nothing to help you but your hands and your own head" this quote is so obvious but yet people tend to forget about it! Noone can help you to stop self-harming unless you want it yourself!
I hate this coldness that I feel! I feel so cold, not my skin, but my heart... Arella is starting to die (probably from this coldness)... I dont want to let her die! Though you might cannot understand it and you will say its just a plant but its not, its so much more to me! She is a simbol of victory over demons, she represents something beautiful that can survive around all this! She is Angels messagner, and if my messanger dies what message did my angels sent me but that I will die now?! I wanted her cause i wanted somebody to be here for me! Always, no matter what... She is here to stop me from cutting and all self harm that I do to myself every day! She must survive, cause if she doesnt, i dont know why would I?
Day 39:
"I would drink all the pills on this world if i know 1 of them can help me..." 1 thing that could describe me best? Im not sure, maybe its the depression that is taunting me for so long, or is it sadness that in my only company, maybe loneliness that I feel so often or is it hope that i still have after all things that have happend to me... Maybe its love that i still feel despite all this pain... Id say LOVE... after all that is what is keeping me still alive, love for my plants, family, for my life, love for you who is reading this and ofcourse love for her... You might ask why me? Because with even 1 person reading this, I feel needed! I am here to try to keep you away from your hard life, even for a moment! I am here to help you fight against your depression, to give you comfort when you need it, a shelter for broken... In the end, we all want to be saved
Day 40:
"The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?"Edgar Allan Poe
Im not even fucking sure am I dead or alive
