Day 41:
Arella, my angel's messanger... Is dead... I killed it, I! And now I feel sad very, because thats the message my angels have sent me, DEATH! All I asked from her is to live! To be here from me when no human will, to keep me from misery and cutting... All I could, is to picture her (as human) dying and I asked myself what would be her last words? And she would probably say: All you ask from me is to live, but why cant you just do the same for me?
I dont know how to answer that, its diffrent, all I can find are excuses not reasons so there is no point of saying them...well probaby because Im scared of living... I live in a shell, hard shell that is covering me, and all I do i take a little look outside sometimes... Im scared if I get out I will be stomped, harder, and im affraid it will hurt, a lot... I already have pain but " you can get addicted to a certaint kind of saidness" and I already have that, so why ask for more? Will I just wait in my shell until someone save me? Or forever? Oh wait thats what i said....
Day 42:
I was listening to a very nice song today... I do not know why but then I felt loved and it made me feel warm around my heart after soooooo long... I forgot that feeling and it hurt me a little... How fucked up you must be that the feeling of beeing loved hurts cuz you forgot it? How cold your heart must be?
Day 43:
"you came with scars on your wrist,
You told me this will be the last night feeling like this..."
That was a fucking lie, everyday I feel the same, empty! I know all the demons are in my head but I cannot chase them away when they speak truth! When they are right I cannot do anything to them! I could scream for help now or beg for mercy, but whats the point when it wont change anything!
Day 44:
The biggest heroes in life are not the ones that win the most, but the ones that fight until last drop of blood...
"Give me a reason to start again"
I just realized today why I can never get out of this depression and everything, why cannot I soar into the air and stay there... Its cause I dont have a reason good enough to keep me there... All I really want is someone to understand me! Why is this so hard?! I just want to smile and forget about all this! Why cant I? In the end, I just want to tell you to be really careful what you ask for cause you might get it in the end! I said to God I dont want to live any more once, and then 1000 times after... But the moment I said I do not want to live and didnt regret it I stopped living! I just existed, just survived! I said 1000 I want to die not realizing that I'm already dead... Such a paradox and still so sad, in one word: ME
I do not know why did I deserve this, but whatever I did, whenever I did it, pls know that I am sorry !
Day 45:
"whenever Im alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again"
I just cannot stand this... Its not that I am alone but the problem is that Im lonely! I am sorrounded by 1000 humans and Im still lonely cause when I look at their faces all I can see is how they judge me! Noone knows anything about me! NOBODY! Not even my family or so called friends... I do not blame them, I am a complicated person, but nobody? Not a single soul? What kind of bastard do I have to be for that?
