Age Of Innocence (AOI) [Sequel To IR]

Chapter 105 } Not Enough

Part 4:
Matthew's POV

As I laid there with her in my arms, it was like nothing had changed. It was like we'd never split. It was like she'd never stopped loving me. It was like it used to be. Before I met Bailey. Before she met Noah. And as much as I hated her being with another guy. As much as I hated her not being with me. It was like Carter had said. She had finally been happy. And then this happens. And I feel terrible, the universe won't let her be happy. She can't catch a break. It makes me mad. She deserves it, she deserves happiness. She deserves someone who would never hurt her, I did. She deserves someone who would stay loyal to her, I didn't. She deserves someone who can give her everything and anything she could possibly want, I couldn't. But she can't find that perfect person, she can't find that someone who can give her everything. But she deserves to find that someone. It'll make me happy, to see her finally get what she deserves. She's suffered enough. She's gone through enough. When is it gonna come for her? When is she finally gonna get what she deserves? When is the world gonna stop treating this girl like dirt and start treating her like royalty? Every time she gets built up, every time she finally gets happy. Someone comes along and knocks her down, they push her down. It's like the world finds amusement in her breaking. It's like she's the doll on strings, and they pass the strings from one insane person to the next. Letting them control her, and then crush her. And they sit and laugh, while she cries. Amused by her torture. She doesn't deserve that, no one does. And I know she's said it's just a journey, she'll get her happy ending, she's gonna find love, she's gonna find happiness. But this journey has gone on for too long. When is it gonna end? No one has enough energy for that. No one has enough strength for that. Why is she being put through this test, this never ending test? It's wearing her out. I wanna help her. I wanna be the perfect Prince Charming for her. But I've proven to her I can't be. I've proven to myself that I can't be. I'm a monster, she's a beauty. and I've always thought our relationship was like Beauty And The Beast. I was the beast, tearing her apart. She was the beauty that saw the good in me, she saw passed my selfish, foolish ways. And I'll always be grateful for that, no one has taken that amount of time into me. And how did I repay her? I hurt her, repeatedly. I will forever hate myself for loosing her, for walking away like a coward, leaving her stranded in the rain. I should've kissed her right then and there, reminding her of the flames burning in between us. I tried kissing her, it was too late. I should've kissed her right in that instance. But I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve her in the first place. She was way to good for me. She's way too good for anyone she's ever been with, anyone she'll ever be with for that matter. She should've chosen Cameron so long ago. He would've treated her better. He would've treated her right. Maybe she would've fell in love him, not me, it could've saved her from the heartbreak, from the times I've hurt her. From my insaneness. It could've saved her from me in general. It could've saved her from Noah. He would've been good to her. But I kept her from something better. It's my fault.
"Matthew?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you save me?"
"I barely saved you Ala, you saved yourself." I mean she got herself out of the closet.
"But you could've let him get me, you could've-."
"No Ala. I couldn't do that. I couldn't let you get hurt. I'm in love with you. And whether your in love with me too, I dont know. But I'm not letting you get hurt. And I should've seen right passed him. I should've helped you sooner. I should've done something sooner. And I'm so sorry I didn't."
"You still love me?"
"More than anything. Ever sense I lost you I've loved you more. I've realized how much I love you. I realized how much I took having you for granted. I would do anything to be able to make up all the times I hurt you. But I can't do that. I hurt you so much and I'm sorry." She didn't answer, but I didn't need her to. "What did he do to you?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Like why did he hurt you? When did it start?"
"It started when I tried to break up with him." She paused sucking in air. "He wouldn't-he wouldn't let me."
"What do you mean by that." I saw tears rising to her eyes. "Ala, what did he do to you?" I raised my voice.
"He held me over the terrace in the hotel. He told me if I wanted to leave, that's how I would go." She spit out barely able to finish.
"But your hotel is ten stories high, you would die?"
"Exactly." I stared in awe. Of course, no one wants Ala to leave them. She's perfect no one wants to loose her. But taking it that far. That's ridiculous. I didn't want her to leave me more than anyone. But I would've never taken it that far. And I feel so terrible for her. No one should have to deal with that. Especially Ala. It makes me mad. The best people get hurt the most. And it's not fair. She doesn't deserve it. And I felt tears come to my eyes.
"I'm so sorry Ala. I'm. Im so sorry." I struggled to say. I pulled her closer to me and held her tightly.
"I'm scared Matthew." She cried.
"I know. But I'm never ever letting that happen to you again. I'm never letting anyone hurt you again. Never again. I love you." I felt her relax in my arms. I just wanted her to feel safe. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to tear his heart out. It disgusted me. It raged me.  I felt my heart start to palpitate . I felt my blood boil and rage. I wanted to kill him for putting her through that.
"What's the point of this Matthew?"
"The point of what?"
"The pain."
"To give an experience of something different for each human."
"No like, what's the point of all of this pain I'm being put through. I don't get it. I don't understand what I did to deserve being hurt this badly, and I've told you this is just my journey and it's just a dream I have to catch. But I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to catch that dream. I'm tired of dreaming. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of being in pain. And I'm tired of being tortured. I don't get the point of all of this. I just don't get it." She cried. I wanted to cry too hearing her speak with so much doubt and hopelessness. "I'm in pain Matthew. So much pain. And I've never wanted to admit it, just because I didn't want anyone to think I was weak. But I don't even give a shit anymore. I just want it to stop. How do I make it stop?" As I thought I couldn't get anymore furious, I did. To see her so helpless and hopeless tore me apart. She'd always been so persistent and optimistic and to hear her so broken killed me. I wanted to kill whoever was passing around her strings, giving them to crazy people and letting them break her. I just wanted kill everyone who'd ever laid a finger on her in the wrong way, I couldn't explain what I was feeling if I tried. It was too foreign, for I had never felt so strongly and angrily about a subject in my entire life. I just hated this all. I hated this world. I hated the way she was treated. I just hated it all. And suddenly all my rage, all my power, all my adrenaline rushed me to make a big move. It could ruin everything it could destroy everything, it could hurt her more. But has that ever stopped me? I turned and laid on her staring into her eyes. Her mouth was slightly parted from the surprise. And without warning, I leant down and kissed her. Not giving her time to process I grabbed the back of her neck pulling her head closer, deepening the kiss. I could feel her heart racing. She put her hands on my chest and pushed me off, I wanted to just ignore her push and lean back down to feel our love that I've so desperately missed. But I didn't want to upset her more than I probably already have. She looked terrified and I made the situation worse. Way to go Matthew, always thinking huh?
"I'm sorry Ala I-." She shook her head.
"Please don't. I'm not in the mood for excuses." She pushed me off of her and sat up.
"It's not excuse it's a reason." I waited for a response, all I got was a lousy sigh, that'll have to do. "I can't handle seeing you in this much pain, when I know I can help you. I can hug you, I can kiss you. I can make you feel loved, I can make you love. You know what's real Ala, you know our love is real. Stop denying yourself of the chance to be happy please. And just take me back."
"Is this your way of trying to ask me out?"
"I guess so. Ala Dausonn, will you please, please, please, be my girlfriend, again?"
"No." She stated as if it was obvious.
"Why not?"
"I dont know if you witnessed what happened an hour ago or not. But I really need a break from boyfriends please."
"How long?"
"I dont know, maybe a week, maybe forever. Because honestly, I've searched, and searched and searched, and there seems to be no one out there with the decency to treat a girl anywhere near right."
"What about me, besides a few little slip ups, I wasn't terrible."
"If that's what you call a few little slip ups. If thats what you call being good boyfriend, then I want no part in it. Because that was horrible. It was horrible for me. I don't want that again Matthew. And I realize you were good to me, most of the time. But I don't want most of the time, I want all of the time. I realize you loved me. But that just-it isn't enough."