Just when you are ready to kill them, you stop.
Just when you are ready to let them loose, you let them stay.
Just when you think you've had enough, you haven't.
They apologized. They said sorry. You want to believe them. You want to see the good in them. You want to believe that they won't do it again. You want to believe that they still love you. That they are still friends with you. That they still want to be around you. They've done it before. They've messed up. They said the wrong thing. They didn't do something right. They push you away for the longest time and then they bring your back in with such a fantastic reason that you do nothing but believe them. They made a mistake. They asked for you to forgive them. You don't to, but you know if you want to keep the relationship alive, you have to.
It's hard. I know. Apologizers confuse you without even realizing that they do it. You love them. You'd do anything for them. You trust them. You'd tell them anything. But the more they apologize, the harder it becomes. You want to trust them. You want to love them. You want to believe that they love and trust you too. But it gets hard. You start to think about everything. You worry that they will make the same mistake again. You worry they will slip up and tell somebody another secret.
It's a constant tug-o-war between letting them stay and letting them go. You can't make up your mind. When you are alone you tell yourself that you are going to do it. You are going to tell them how you feel. You are going to tell your best friend that you lost trust. You are going to tell your boyfriend that you want to break up. But then, when you are with them, all your anger and mistrust and rage fades away. It's suppressed to the back of your mind. Nothing in the world but them matters. You laugh so hard that your stomach hurts so bad that you start to cry from the pain.
You love them, but you don't know if you can trust them. And when they sense your discomfort they apologize then as well. But they have nothing to apologize about. They don't even know what they are sorry for. But that is just what they do. They stick sorries out there like a gymnast. They make nothing of it. Eventually you get sick of hearing it. No matter who says it, you wish they didn't. Sometimes, apologies aren't 100% true. That's what's so hard about them. You don't know if they mean it or not. You don't know if they are just saying it to say it or not.
It's tricky. You love them, but you never bring yourself to leave them. At one end of the stick, you admire how they try to please you and keep you happy and keep your secret. On the other side, too many apologies don't help you. It makes you look like you are doing too many things wrong. You're making too many mistakes.
That's what they do though. They say sorry because they know that you won't leave them. Because let's face it. If you wanted to leave, you would have already done so.
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The Label Maker
ChickLit"Nobody wants to admit they do it, but everybody knows that everybody does it." ✎✎✎ Gwen Harmon is trying to survive high school just like every teenager. With her senior year approaching she's trying to play it safe, keep her grades up, and of cou...
