All My Love

Chapter 49

| Harry |

My head feels like it's spinning on my shoulders or maybe it's the fucking room. I can't really tell at this moment.

What Becca just said to me is still trying to be processed in the mess I call a mind. She doesn't fucking get it, she never will.

"You don't see it, do you?" I say, walking towards her but she only backs up.

"See what?" Her voice is still raised from her rant and I want nothing but for her voice to go back to being the calm, soothing one I enjoy so fucking much.

"That I am in love with you Becca!—" I give an exhausted laugh before running my hand through my hair and pace back and forth before continuing. "—Why do you think I'm always such a fucking dick? It's all I know! It's like my mind knows to push it all down. I'm not purposely trying to hurt you over and over again, it just fucking happens!—" I yell, watching her body crumble to the ground from my tone. "—I haven't loved anyone since Nessa. I didn't know that I was even capable of loving someone else but I was obviously wrong. A bit of my wall crumbles whenever you come to my mind. I was hooking up with Olivia to take you off my mind, not Nessa. Most of the time I was hooking up with her, I was pretending it was you and I did a couple times with Stella, and yes I did moan your name, I just didn't want the truth coming out. I didn't want to fall in love again. You're making me this emotional person that I haven't been in years! I've been in love with you ever since Stella dragged me to her room that one night after the party with your brother. I was just too fucking ignorant to care and pretended I wasn't. I wasn't expecting this—" I run my fingers through my hair and slow my rugged breaths, feeling some pricks in my eyes. "—I hated seeing you cry. I fucking hated myself for making you feel any of this bullshit. I shouldn't have hurt you like I did. I knew I had a girlfriend back when we were in Palm Springs, I damn well fucking knew that. I pushed my subconscious away for just that moment, I didn't want to think about anything other than you. I loved you then and I was even more in love with you at the funeral. Fuck. I wanted to hold you that entire day but I couldn't because I was holding it all back by dating your best friend. You needed me the most that day, you needed me for a lot but my ego was too big that I didn't bother to give a real fuck. I am so terribly sorry Becca, for everything that I caused you for my selfish reasons." I feel a couple tears fall and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself away from this emotional pansy that I once was.

I hate crying, it's stupid and doesn't make me feel any better. Becca stands there, crying a damn river, shaking her head, indicating she doesn't buy what I just put out. I don't blame her.

"The night at the beach, I wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell you so badly. I wanted to scream it at you but I held back. I didn't want to admit it to myself that I was actually in love because I've told myself for so long that it isn't real." I add and taking a deep breath before walking over to my bed and sitting at the edge, leaning on my knees while I run my hands over my hair while my necklace dangles. "If you don't believe me, I won't blame you. I'm made of lies. I'm a shit person. I'm just like my father." I whisper, raspiness behind my voice from the shout session. My head is now throbbing and I start rubbing my scalp with my fingertips while I keep my eyes closed to avoid the harsh light of the room.

"I... I need time to think. I don't know what to say." Becca's voice is soft and quiet. I nod with understanding.

"If you want to walk out, you can. I'm not going to force you to stay when you didn't even want to come in the first place." I say back, glancing up at her before looking away. I swallow hard as I hear the click of her heels against the wooden floor.

I pinch my eyes shut as the door opens with a soft creak and her shoes sound against the wood. My red eyes look over at the door that's now cracked open and I suck in my lips in disappointment of myself. I'm losing her.

I inhale deep and release it before pushing myself up from my old bed and walking up to a bookcase that holds picture frames.

I stare at one that's of me and my father which makes me cringe at how fucking fake his smile is. He never wanted me or my mum. It's why he constantly hooked up with sluts at the bar whenever he felt like until supposedly he found "the one".

I roll my eyes and flip the picture face down and begin to pace back and forth.

Once again, I'm letting Becca get away. Once again, I'm not going to wake up beside her, wrapped around her curves. Once again, I won't be feeling her soft lips against mine. I've caused her this pain, a pain I've felt for a long ass time. I've been selfish and only cared for myself. I don't even know how the fuck I'm going to make it up to Becca. She hates me. She hates my fucking guts.

But I need her. She makes me feel better about myself in the strangest way. I feel happier whenever she's next to me. Even when we aren't talking, I'm fascinated. She's practically the only girl in my life where I'm not suffering with boredom because there's nothing to talk about. I don't have to make up some shit to talk about, our conversations just flow. When we're silent, it's comfortable. 

She's my one, she has to be. I want, no I need, to give her all my love. However much that is.

I want every single drop of her poison to run through my veins and make me a better being. I want her to break me down but then help me reattach the pieces over and over again. I want my heartaches to be because of her.

Becca's fucking worth it. I look at her and I fall in love all over again as if I have always believed in it. I do fucking believe in it. Because of her.

I swing open the door and start racing down the hallway, almost tripping over my own feet. When I make it to the top of the stairs, my eyes lock on Becca receiving her coat from the butler. Her arms slide in and she starts thanking him as the man goes to open the door.

I make it to the bottom, I take a deep breath, taking a millisecond to make sure this is exactly what I want. I know this grand gesture will have all heads turn like in those sappy ass romcoms that I've always talked shit about but I don't give a fuck.

"Fuck it—" I whisper to myself and take a deep breath. "—Becca!" I shout after her while she begins to take a step out. Sure enough, all eyes are on me but I ignore it.

My eyes almost fall out of my head, loving the contrast between her brown curls and red coat. Her head snaps back and I hurry my way over to her, cupping her delicate face in my hands. Our eyes burn into each others for a second before I plant my lips onto hers.

Fuck. I've missed this so much. The feeling that I get every time we kiss.... Fuck it just sends shock waves though my body, filling me up with a high. It always felt so right, I'm not even going to lie now. Her lips fit mine and her tongue never seems to lose the rhythm against mine.

Just as I begin to lose hope, that she's not going to kiss me back, her arms wrap around the back of my neck and I smile against her lips, detaching and reattaching our lips a few times before deepening the kiss.

I move the both of us to the front patio, using my right hand to close the door behind us. Our lips still attached. A few seconds later, I take my lips away from hers and kiss the side of her mouth before standing up straight and gulping. I'm scared shitless on what she's going to say.

"I was kind of hoping you were going to do that." Becca smiles with her teeth up at me before biting the middle of her bottom lip with shyness. A small smile paints itself on my face and I lightly push her up against the outside stucco, putting my right arm above her head as I go at it again with her lips.