Teenage Dirtbag

11

Dear Harry,

You can be mad at me all you want, I deserve it. I deserve all the words you will throw at me. All the bruises and marks you will give me. It doesn't change the way I feel about this family.
I won't be home for a while. A long while. Your mother and I are having some trouble. I know you won't understand but I hope you will learn to by the time you read this.

I never, not once, cheated on your mother. It may seem like it, you may hear something like it, but just read this and know I didn't. I couldn't. I love your mother too much to put her through that pain.

While I was away all those nights, I visited my best friend, Zoey. She had cancer and didn't survive. I don't regret visiting her all those nights, they were nights I made up for the loss of time I spent hating her.

She passed away holding my hand. Harry I want you to know that it's true. I'm not lying to you and I don't ever want to. I never told your mother because I knew from the moment I stepped into that hospital room, she wouldn't believe a single word I'd tell her. And I was right, she didn't. But that's my fault. That's on me for not telling her the truth.

But for now, this is for you to keep and to read as a reminder: that I still care.

I hope someday you will come to a conclusion and realize that I am not the bad guy. That I am only telling the truth.

Consider this a goodbye, for now.

Love, Your Father.

I blinked, holding the letter at my side. How crazy to think that I punched it in the right spot, just to find this letter. I wondered if I would've punched a different spot, if I was just a little bit off. Would I still be confused?

I wonder if this letter was recent? or if it was written when I was younger? It all confused me, dawning on me that I had still been downstairs. What now? I didn't know. But I knew my mind was thinking differently about him, but not too much.

I walked up the stairs, letter in hand. When four pairs of eyes met mine, drifting to the letter, I was completely speachless. Not by the fact that they saw the letter, but by the fact that Noel was standing near my mum.

I looked at my father , then down at the letter, not knowing what to do.

"I-" I chocked on my voice, not able to find the sound.

"Harry, Noel came to see you." My mom said in a cheery voice. I looked to her, seeing the panicked expression on her face. She was lost, trying to figure out what was going on. Gemma stood her and my mum, while my father was by himself not looking away from me.

"Harry, what is that?" He pointed down at the letter. I gulped, facing towards him.

"I'm so confused." I barely heard myself. If anyone heard me, I was surprised, my voice was so quiet.

"Harry?" I was zoning out, I didn't know what to do. Who to look at, what to say, how to feel. It was all so confusing to me.

"What is that?" My mum said, walking beside me. I walked to my father, who looked like he was going to be slapped. I looked down at the letter, lifting it up for my eyes to see.

"Did you mean it?" I looked up at him, asking him sincerely.

He blinked, confused as to what point I was trying to cross with him. He furrowed his brows slightly, looking down at the letter.

"You found it, didn't you?" I read through it again, going back to the top.

"Dear Harry, You can be mad at me all you want, I deserve it. I deserve all the words you will throw at me. All the bruises and marks you will give me. It doesn't change the way I feel about this family." I paused, looking up at him. The ends of his lips curled up slightly, water sprung at the tips of his eyes.

He nodded, wanting me to continue.

"I won't be home for a while. A long while. Your mother and I are having some trouble. I know you won't understand but I hope you will learn to by the time you read this. I never, not once, cheated on your mother. It may seem like it, you may hear something like it, but just read this and know I didn't. I couldn't. I love your mother too much to put her through that pain.

While I was away all those nights, I visited my best friend, Zoey. She had cancer and didn't survive. I don't regret visiting her all those nights, they were nights I made up for the loss of time I spent hating her.

She passed away holding my hand. Harry I want you to know that it's true. I'm not lying to you and I don't ever want to. I never told your mother because I knew from the moment I stepped into that hospital room, she wouldn't believe a single word I'd tell her. And I was right, she didn't. But that's my fault. That's on me for not telling her the truth.

But for now, this is for you to keep and to read as a reminder: that I still care.

I hope someday you will come to a conclusion and realize that I am not the bad guy. That I am only telling the truth.

Consider this a goodbye, for now.

Love, Your Father."

I dropped my arms, letting the letter sit at my sides. My eyes met up to his, trying to find the truth in his.

"When did you write this?" I asked.

"Six months ago." His answer was right away, like he'd remembered it. I was still slightly confused as to why, and how, but I still tried to push it through.

"But.." He smiled, touching my shoulder.

"It's okay, I know your confused. But think of how your mother and sister are feeling right now, even your friend? I meant everything I said in that letter, that's why." He didn't even let me finish, then finishing it for me.

"I don't understand?" My mum walked up.

"Why didn't you just tell us? I get that you didn't want us to be hurt, or in pain? But the truth is better than a lie.." I watched as they looked at each other, taking in each others precence.

"Like I told Harry, I was afraid that you would react immediately, and I was right." I looked over to Noel, gesturing upstairs. She followed after me, climbing up the steps to my room.
It was dark, with the only light being my lava lamp I had gotten as a gift from Gemma.

"I know you might be confused right now but I'm okay." I answered her fifty questions before she could even start them.

"I didn't know- Harry I just-" I turned to her, looking at her through the darkness around us.

Her shadow was a part I could stare at for hours, knowing that she was here beside me. "Noel," I looked down at my hands in frustration.

"Shh.." Her hands came up to my face. I winced at the faint pain that came from the light bruises on my skin.

"Sorry." She drew her hands away, but I grabbed them, bringing them to my neck. I missed her hands. The way they felt when they touched mine. I missed being able to hold her. Even though we weren't together, it still felt comfortable, right.