Signed Ezra

Chapter 2, Amnesia

"I remember the day you told me you were leaving, I remember the makeup running down your face."
-Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer

Do you remember the places we used to go out and get wasted? All the places we claimed as our own.

The abandoned parks, the alleys, the bars, my grandpa's old barn, everywhere, they all still remind me of you.

The whole town reminds me of you some how, every place here releases a memory I didn't remember before.

I remember our last kiss, the way your lips tasted. I wish I could forget the way your lips tasted like cherry chap stick and cheap beer.

Our last kiss was one to remember, I remember the way I held you, the way my lips tasted. Do you remember spilting a whole case of cheap beer from the gas station then drinking it at my grandpa's rundown barn my band practiced at.

I wrote so many songs for you there, so many I can't even sing because it reminds me of you in a bad way, when we still loved each other.

Your friends say your fine, I see you pictures on Matt's Facebook and Instagram. Yes I stalk you through my best mates social media, am I ashamed of that, almost. Your friends say your fine, they tag you in photos saying 'such a good day with my best friends!'

Even though they tell me you're fine I still wonder if you lonely. If you miss me. I wonder if you miss lying beside me, if you miss my taste, my voice, my face, even though he is lying right beside you on my side of the bed. I wonder so often, it has become an almost everyday thing now, part of my live style. Just missing you.

I know he hurts you, not physically but, mentally. Saying those words that hurt you everyday. Those words I would slip up and say during a fight. The words that made you cry. I know he does it, he is not good enough for you. You deserve so much more that I didn't give you and what he I know doesn't give you.

But, when he does say those words, when he slipps up like I did do you read the lyrics I made you? The lyrics of all the songs I never finished about you, for you. Do you? I gave them to you for you birthday and I remember you read them all in one night. Do you still read them?

I wonder now how you're okay. How you're not falling apart. Because just trying to write this I'm on the verge of tears, how did you stay okay?

The only logical reason I can think of is that you were never in love. It was all just an act, a lie, you played me. That's the only reason I have because if you actually cared actually loved me at all you would be affected, you would be like me, broken hearted.

I remember the day we broke up clearly, it haunts me at night when I can't sleep. "Guess what." I said to you while we were laying on the couch one night.

"What?" You asked staring at the t.v.

"I'm going on tour again, all across america!" I told you. This was my dream and it was becoming big right before our eyes.

I remember how glassy your eyes were and how you had mascara running down your face when we started fighting. I don't want to go into great detail about our fight because I think if I do I will lose it but, I will always remember one thing you said to me. The thing that still makes me feel horrible.

"Ezra I want more than this, I want to get married and have a family one day, I can't do this anymore. I can't be alone it hurts to much. I can't spend any more nights without you wondering what you are doing, I can't fall asleep without knowing how you are doing. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore."

You told me all that before the fight ended and I was packing up all I needed for the next few months while I was on tour and leaving.

I'll admit I still have the pictures you left me on my phone and I still look at them all the time it kills me to see your face but sometimes it hurts more when I start forgetting it.

Matt, James, and Carter wonder where you are sometimes, I haven't told them yet that we broke up. How do you tell your best friends that you are now recently broken up with your first real long term girlfriend and that it is partially their fault. It would kill them, so I haven't told them. I will soon, when the time is right but, for now I just say you're working or we talk when I go out alone.

God it hurts you're with that man now. It does. It's hard for me to except you're happy when I'm not at all because I can't even hear your voice anymore without breaking down inside.

Now on the nights that I do sleep I just wish I could wake up and this nightmare would be gone, wake up with amnesia to forget everything about you. All the plans we made that apperntly meant nothing to you.

I wish I could forget about the stupid little things that don't matter, like how it felt to sleep next to you or your constant taste of cherry lip balm. I wish so bad I could forget but, I wake up and they're still there. They never leave, ever.

If I woke up back at home with you laying beside me like all of thus was just a messed up dream I would just simple hold you and never let you go. You would never hear me say goodbye, never hear me say I'm going again I would never leave you again. Ever.

Signed Ezra