Signed Ezra

Chapter 9, Bloodstream

"This is how it ends, I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream
Fading out again, I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream
So tell me when it kicks in"
-Bloodstream by Ed Sheeran

Recently I've been high, a lot.

You know just like I know that I've always smoke and drank, you did too so it was no surprise. However I could always stop then, now however it not like that so much.

I was at a party awhile back, maybe two, three weeks ago, I don't remember. Anyways I was there with the boys when we were giving some ecstasy.

I'd had it before, but this time it was better. Yes it was the same feeling same high, however this time everything felt better. For once I forgot you, for once nothing bothered me. For once everything was pure bliss.

All I've been thinking of doing is drinking wine and doing a lot of sinning. If you know what I mean. And being high again. Everything feels better when I do any of these especially the last one.

I've been sitting here forever now trying to find the words to say what I want to say to you. Yet every time I rip out the page or erase the sentence because I don't know how to tell you how I tell you how I feel. When I'm high I don't think of you so I'm high a ton.

It's not a great way to live but right now it's the best thing I can do. I can't explain how it feels, honestly I don't even know how I got this way.

How did I get this way.

Oh god why'd you leave me. Honestly if you loved me how did you not see this coming. You knew me, you knew what I do. Why did you leave me if you knew this was coming.

Now my eyes are turning red and I can't help but to loose myself. Just one or two more and I could let go.

This is how it ends. The chemicals burn in my bloodstream.

I'm fading out again, it all happening again. I'm letting everything go again.

So tell me when it happens. Tell me when I calm down and stop. Tell me when the alcohol and the drugs and the everything kicks in. Please, I'm to far gone now. So just tell me when it kicks in.

Since you left me I've been trying hard to find another lover, someone who could fill that hole. For some reason I thought I could find her in empty bottles. My mind created an idea that the perfect lover would show up in my drunk fantasy. She would just appear in my blurry vision. But I guess that's not the case.

I know I'll regret this in the morning, but I can't stop filling up my glass. It's like an addiction. I'm obsessed.

I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt anyone at all. The good thing and being high is that I can block out the heartache, but the bad part is once I start to crash I can't get you out of my head. It hurts so much too because I can't help but to think of how much I hurt you and me and everyone around us with my stupid behavior.

We were already broken before this, but we were getting better than I sis this. Now I see scars on the both of us I never noticed before. Maybe I'm just tricking myself, maybe they were always there and I was just to focused on myself to see them.

-Signed Ezra