Signed Ezra

Chapter 7, Drunk

"Maybe I'll get drunk again."
-Drunk by Ed Sheeran

I woke up this morning all alone in the quiet hotel room all over again.

I guess I should be happy that I woke up and the sun is shining, but I feel like I woke up in a strangers bed. I have been doing this for weeks now and it doesn't get any easier to wake up without you beside me.

I just want to drink some more.

I drank a lot last night, and I mean a lot. However, it wasn't enough to make me forget about you when I woke up this morning.

I just want to get so drunk I don't remember you when I wake up.

I hate to say that because I'm acting like this breakup was enough to send me over the edge, but in all reality, it didn't kill me, it just didn't help me either.

Love sticks to your heart and it doesn't go away. It makes you happy, sad, broken, hurt, everything. Your love sticks to me like your bright red lipstick used too.

It's just easier to think about the happier times at times like this when I'm slightly buzzed and have a horrible hangover. It just hurts to know I will never hold you in my arms again.

I feel empty and cold instead because of you. My heart is empty without you in it and it makes me cold, like you replaced yourself with buckets of ice; shivering from the instead out.

It hurts.

I feel like I can't breath right now. It's like my heart isn't pumping blood into my lungs and my windpipe is clogged making it impossible for my lungs to expand and to breath.

It's that feeling you get when your sad and have been crying, or are about to cry. That feeling of lack of oxygen to your entire body.

You did this to me, but I mean, I guess I really did this to myself.

I always knew you'd leave me, always. I was so sure after a fight you'd pack up and leave and I was never quite sure what to say in the moment. You never left those times though.

God. I just want to get drunk again. I want to wake up and still be drunk. I don't care if there's a horrible hangover to come or if I'm a stumbling fool, as long as I can't remember your face its worth it.

Isn't it sad.

I watched you disappear.

Like when you open a can of soda and all the bubbles fizzle away quickly. You did that.

Yeah I know we stayed together for awhile, almost four years, but I watched you slowly fizzle away into nothing. I hate myself for that. I should've stopped you, I should've said something, done something, but it doesn't matter now.

Would you talk to me soon. Keep it strictly platonic. I have nothing to do this weekend, can we talk then?

I'm so okay if we just talk as friends because I miss you and I just want to talk to you. I know you will never love in that way again, but I want to talk again as friends if anything.

Now I'm remembering everything again. The buzz is wearing off and I'm just getting a headache and a flood of memories.

The fights always come to me first, we were like flames going at each other, and we gave each other third degree burns we would never recover from.

After those injuries we gave each other I know I can't fix things by just giving you a handshake. Honestly I don't know of anything that could fix us, but I want there to be something, anything that could just heal us from the past.

I told you I could change. I said that as soon as we started dating, but I never changed at all.

Still I haven't changed, and you left a wound that would change so many, something that would never heal.

I just drank another can of beer by the way, I want to get drunk again, sadly I'm far away from that right now.

I feel like I'm always drinking beer. I mean I guess it makes since, wine is fancy for special events. Champagne is for celebration, and there isn't anything to be happy about.

It's just beer for me.

Should I applaud you for doing this to me.

I mean, you hurt me, but they always say that you learn from your mistakes.

I just wish I would learn my lesson now and not have to deal with the heartbreak any longer.

I mean, I've been here before, after we got in big fights I would go to a bar and drink as much as I could. This time however, you're not there to bring me home. You're not here to save me from myself.

I guess I will never change. I guess I'm okay with that too.

So I'll go back to drinking and trying to forget your face. It may take a lot, but I'm going to try and do it again.

-Signed Ezra