Signed Ezra

Chapter 12, Undo

"I wanna see you but you're not mine." - Undo the 1975

It is five in the morning and I am still awake, dancing around the room of my hotel. I have been awake all night, not a wink of sleep and I have a concert tomorrow night, or I guess tonight.

We made a stop in Portland, I've always loved Portland. I used to say I would take you here one day. I know you would love it. All the music, the nature, the art. It was a perfect place for people like us.  I thought for sure this would be were we would settle down, you know once we had aged a few years, once the band days had ended. I hoped I guess.

Although I have already taking too many pills I want another. Sleeping pills, no drugs. I was prescribed awhile back, right after the tour began, before the drugs really started kicking in. My insomnia kills me some nights, nothing I do will make it stop. No matter how many pills I take or dope I smoke. The rattling in my brain does not end, and tonight is no different.

I came to the realization in the late hours in the night that we never really saw each other when we were together. I was always on tour, always recording demos and tracks. Sometimes I was just writing songs or hanging out with the guys. I never really thought there would be a time when you didn't love me so I just kinda took it for advantage. I'm sorry about that. Truly.

But now when you have moved on from me I seem to want to be with you constantly. 

I want to undo it, I want to go back and shake myself and scream  "Spend time with her, don't let her get away you fool."

But you can't undo the past, and I'm started to feel the pain of that reality

I ran out of my edibles last night, I'll have to go get something else today. To be honest, it doesn't matter what it is. I just need my fix, something to numb away everything. I already have the insomnia, add plain me with nothing in my system to the mix and I'll be a hurricane ready to go.

I was never this bad while we were together I don't think. Yeah I mean, we drank, we smoke. We got high together. But, I don't remember running out this much, being this empty all the time before.

Maybe it's just better not to smoke alone.

I wish I could undo that too. The drugs. I got addicted to it. Just like I did your taste.

Even when I could taste someone else on your lips I still longed for them.

I wish YOU could undo it.

I wish I could undo it. I wish I didn't have to relive that moment. Seeing you with him.

Another's taste on you, but I still loved it. It was just like the drugs I swear.

Even when it's bad for me I still long for it to be with me.

Well, I am to take this final pill and try to go to bed.

-Signed Ezra