Signed Ezra

Chapter 5, Cross My Heart

"And I do want to show you I will run to you to you 'til I can't stand on my own anymore I cross my heart and hope to die."
-Cross My Heart by Marianas Trench

So cheers to another day that I am away from you.

Another night out of your grasp.

Another lonely time I'm without you.

I don't mean to make it sound like I'm depressed without you, or completely on my own.

I mean I'm not it's just that I'm not used to not having you near.

Anyways remember that suitcase you got me a little after we started dating? Well it's starting to fall apart.

It's a little torn on the corners and the zippers are kind of ripped, but other than that its okay.

It almost reminds me of me. A little ripped and torn, fallen apart just a bit, but could easily last for another few years without needed anything to put it back together.

I guess I am like baggage, or at least I carry to much of it. I'm broken and scarred. I'm falling apart at the seams.

The saddest part is that even though I'm this broken I would let you come back into my life a take everything from me all over again because I miss you so much.

I miss the memories.

I miss falling asleep with you beside me and waking up with you kicking me out of bed- as horrible as that sounds.

I miss how I would pick up the phone when I was on tour and you would be yelling profanities at me because you were mad I left.

I miss the stupid things, the hurtful things, but I would do it all again if that meant I could still be with you.

Do what you want though. I can't stop you.

But when you're about to go out there doing whatever you want take me with you. I miss you so much it hurts everyday.

Take me whenever you go in you heart and your mind and your thoughts and memories. Take me back home.

I don't want to be alone tonight.

I just want to show you I've changed. That I'm better. I will go to you and only you no matter what.

I can't stand alone anymore.

I promise, cross my heart hope to die stick a needle in my eye.

That's how the rhyme goes right?

I miss home, the hotels are all the exact same. Same wallpaper, flooring, bedsheets, everything. It's horrible really, sitting in my hotel room at night alone trying and trying to write new songs and all I can see is the same wallpaper and floor as the last hotel. New place, same feeling.

It's been weeks and you're still gone. I'm still here, you're still there and nothing has changed.

I don't know why I still continue this career path, yeah it was my dream, but I'm not making anything from it. Another day another dollar is what they say, but to me it's like another dollar I will never see.

I don't hate my job, I actually love it, it's just not worth everything I've given up.

One day I guess I will get something good though. At least the pieces of something good.

I remember when I lied to you a lot. I didn't do it because I didn't love you I did because I did.

I loved you so much so I lied to keep the peace. To keep you happy and us together.

Now, however I can't lie to you, I can't stop wondering what you're doing with you're life. Wondering if you regret breaking it with me.  Wondering how we lasted so long on what I still hope was real love that was probably artificial.

I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.

I can't preform well, I can't write a song, I can't do anything.

I wanna come home, at least there I knew what I was doing. At least there I knew I kind of belonged.

One day I'll come back to you, come back home, back to where I belong.

Just take me home with you.

Please.

I miss you.

I promise.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

-Signed Ezra