Signed Ezra

Chapter 4, Somebody Else

"I don't want your body, but I hate to think about you with somebody else."-Somebody Else by The 1975

When I first found out what happened I did not think it was true. I could not believe it because how could the girl I love do that to me. I was wrong as we both know, but the thought was still there. Even while I was leaving I denied it, I packed up my bags with just what I would need to tour and left and still denied it.  How can someone deny the truth that much?

I have never understood how the brain could do that. Just like mine brain can make me contradict myself and how I feel about you. See, I do not want you in a sexually way, I do not know if I even want you in a physical way at all, I just, cannot stand to think of you with him. I think I believe this way because I always kind of knew our love was dead. Even when it first happened I guess I knew somewhere inside of me that our love had gone cold and there was not a way in the world to fix it. And now because of it your with someone else and I have not even gotten over the second stage of grief  yet.

I remember one time that seems like forever ago I constantly would look at you and you would be simply looking at your phone, typing away at the keypad. Maybe that is what went wrong, I never took you out enough. I left you bored to your own devices because I was content on staying home and doing nothing. You used to always go out with someone else, I do not even know who, always some friend, you would say there name to me, but I always forgot who it was. I am sorry I left you without love.

No I guess I do not want you or your body, but now I am just thinking of you without somebody else.

You know you cannot just move on and never think of me again. I will be back, I have to get my stuff at some point. I know, you found someone to take my place, lord only knows where all my stuff is at this point, but still you will see me again, when I come home from tour. We cannot run from this forever.

I continue to fall for you whenever I think over some of the things you said to me. I fall, then I remember, I am supposed to be moving on and getting over you, not sitting here lingering on your words. I cannot help it though, I cannot move on this fast just because you have somehow. I just do not understand how you have already moved on, somewhere in me I almost believe that you actually have not. Somewhere in me I believe that when I get back we are just going to go back to it like nothing happened.

The rational side of me knows that is not true however, you could not do to him what you did to me. I am sure of that.

I am just so done with the whole philosophy of finding someone you love and need, I am on tour now, before it was like oh I cannot go party because I am dating someone, but now. You broke up with me, I am allowed to do those things, yet I do not want to. It makes me feel like I am betraying you . I'm sorry, I should not be telling you this. It is not your fault. I just, I want to give you all of me, but I know I cannot. We are not us anymore, you love him and I, I do not know if I love you still or not.

I guess I do not want you, I just do not want someone else to have you either. I'm sorry I am that much of a dick.

-Signed Ezra