Signed Ezra

Chapter 10, My Only One

"What do you say when your heart's not in it, your heart's not in it? What do you do when you just don't get it, you just don't get it? Where do you go when you reach your limit, you reach your limit? Cause all I know, all I know is you are my only one, you are my only one."

- My Only One by All Time Low

Try to hide it, hide the fact that we were fucked from the beginning. Hide it behind your perfect life, perfect face, perfect nails I'm sure you get done every other week. There was not hope for us, I think we both knew that, but I'm too scared to think like that. Trust me I know you have moved on, however there is this part of me that does not except that, it does not see you as gone.

I obsess over finding the right things to say to you, I did that when we were still together too. Maybe it is from all the time I spend writing songs, maybe it is just from having to be right all the time, but I cannot stop it. I am so sick of it, I am always second guessing myself telling myself I am wrong, convincing myself something is not right. I am so tired of it, it makes me so mad that I do this sometimes. I do though. I keep rethinking our relationship too, which is the worst part. The good times are nice to think of, then I remember they are over though, and everything comes crashing down. And the bad memories where do I even begin, it feels like I might throw up while I redo those conversations in my head, all those arguments. I swear I did not mean to hurt you. I did not mean for my words to be so cruel. I'm sorry. I guess I just sometimes have a temper.

What am I supposed to do, where am I supposed to go. Cause I just do not get it, I did not get it when you were still laying your head on the pillow beside me. I guess somewhere in the both of us we knew our hearts were not in it. I honestly do not even know what I mean when I say that, we obviously loved each other, but something was wrong. If it was not I would still be there and we would not be in this situation right now. Still you are my only one. You are the only one I would chose in a room full of people even if Emma Watson was in that room, and you know how much I love her. You are my only one, my only love. You always have been too. That is the only thing I know.

I have been covering my mirrors with anything I can find. And if I cannot cover it I avoid it at every cost. Every time I see myself I hate myself a little more for what I did to you. I'm reminded of everything I ever said to you every time I meet my own eyes. I guess what they said is true; eyes are the window to the soul.

With all the second guessing I have done in my life, I should have learned something, learned how to not hurt people, or how to not hurt myself. What is it even worth by now, I caused myself this much pain only to learn nothing. It is not worth it.

You believe me when I say I did not need to make you hurt, yeah. Please tell me you do, I cannot handle the guilt it's bringing me to think you do not believe me.

I have been dreaming I am not good enough for anyone, at first it was just a dream, just you telling me to leave forever because I was horrible and I would never be good enough for anyone to love, but it became worse. It has gotten to the point where I dream a dream like that almost every night, they are all different in little ways, but they all say the same thing every time, I am not good enough for love. I am begging for someone to wake me up now. Begging someone to wake me up early, the days where we have early shoots or interviews I feel are heaven, all the other guys, they hate it. I love it however because it means I wake up early, sometimes before the dream can ever really start. It is nice when that happens. Sadly, this is my life now, it just is, and I guess I kind of learned to accept it.

-Signed Ezra