Fix Me | L.H

Downfall

Ever feel awfully ugly and empty? A day where you know if someone walks past you, they will be criticizing every aspect of you (or so you think) so you choose to look down.

Where you feel like your life was finally going good and suddenly everything doesn't feel so good.

I didn't want to talk to anyone, not so that they notice my change of behavior, not for attention, but simply because thats my way of coping with my own jumbled up  emotions.

I want to cry because I don't know why Im feeling this way. Or maybe its because I do know, but lying to myself feels a bit better than the truth.

Every little bad thing that happens to me just makes everything keep bubbling inside until suddenly I find my eyes brimming with tears.

I silently pray that no one notices and I make  myself believe that Im strong so I wipe those stupid tears away and swallow the growing lump in my throat. An action that causes a crushing pain in my chest.

I felt all of that throughout the day and as I silently walked home from school.

See sometimes, if you are fortunate enough, you find someone that shines a little bit of light into your life, you might feel on top of the world...maybe its a death sentence.

They make life a tiny bit more interesting, a tiny but more fun, and a bit more bearable. And sometimes thats not a good thing at all. Because what if its one sided, what if you're just an option to them?

But they aren't, they become  something much more meaningful to you.

The sky is cloudy and I can feel the water in the atmosphere starting to coat my hair with a light layer of humidity.

The sun can't  even be seen, just the gloominess of the very dark clouds. The wind matching the fierceness of the grey color.

As I walk, I cant help but think again about Luke and that strange phone call yesterday.

What if he just wanted to get out of being with me any longer?

No.

I shouldn't make this about me.

I feel alone, and I hate it. I crave the warmth I feel when he jokes or does something that makes me wonder why it is that he thinks he isn't special.

I shouldn't even be thinking this, because it makes me feel pathetic and because Its stupid. I shouldn't have such thoughts about him.

Even after he took me parachuting.

I take out my keys from my worn out bag and skillfully place the key inside, twisting it unlocked.

I go in and decide to do the only thing that comes to mind and that I know will make me feel better.

As soon as I reach my room, I take off all of my clothes, leaving only my undergarments.

I play some soft music and run a warm bath.

I even light some candles I got on sale.

Once the tub is warm enough, I take off all of my undergarments, leaving me completely naked and exposed.

I slowly place a foot, playing with the water and slide in, sinking my body into the tub in complete relaxation.