Unexpected Nerd

Page 23; Determination of a twin sister.

Knocks heard from the door of the room I slept in. The knocks wake me up from my tiring sleep. I rarely sleep well as I woke up like every hour.

Slowly I groaned as I rubbed my eyes. "Who is it?" My voice is husky. "It's Mark." I lazily dragged my legs to the door, opened it and let Mark in. "You are way too off guard."

"What da ya mean?"

"I'm a guy--"

"Okay, I get it. Now get out. You talks from outside." I squinted my eyes to get a clearer look of Mark's handsome face. He laughed. "Just joking, dude." He said as he walks towards the sofa and sits down.

"What do you want from me at--" I look over my watch that was wrapped around my wrist. "-- 6 early in the morning?"

He bend his back down a bit and rest his hands on his laps. He remains silent for a few minutes before he finally speak up. Bringing me back from my eyes that almost close. "I don't know. I-- got a dream."

I raised one of my eyebrow at him. He gestures his finger towards the messy bed I slept on last night, telling me to sit before he continue speaking. I did. He moves his sight back on the dark red coloured carpet below his foot. Like the words he wants to say are written on the surface of the floor.

Slowly, he starts speaking again. "I got a dream. About-- my childhood friend." He exhaled, and takes his eyes off the ground and looks at me. "It was blurry, I couldn't remember most of it. It was fast, and blurry. I don't even know whether it's a dream, or memory."

"But I remember one thing. Clear."

I run my fingers through my hair. "And what is it?"

"Diary." He said. "She said something about diary. Her diary."

I was shocked. I am. I thought to myself, maybe it's not a dream, after all. It's a memory. A memory he can hardly recalls. As if he can reads my mind, he said, "Do you have it? With you?"

I hesitated. Before I let out a sigh, closed my eyes and opened them right back up again. I slowly reached for the desk next to the bed, pulled out the first drawer and take out the diary. "Is it.. this?"

He looks at the diary on my hand carefully. Before he answered yes. I handed it to him, not wanting to let it fall off my hand before he managed to capture it, like it was the only thing I have about my twin. Who died.

He looks at me, his face hesitated before he slowly opened it after I gave him a nod, revealing the first page of the diary. I silently look at him as he reads the book, page by page.

He stopped at a certain page, his hand froze right on the paper, his gaze maintained on the word that was written on the paper that seems old. Brown and old.

"I.. don't know." He mumbled. I didn't want to interupt his thoughts. The words he wants to say. "I don't know.. she had those.. feelings for me."

"Now you know." I whispered in a low voice. "I-- always been.." His eyes look at me, hurt and pain flashed through his eyes. "I always.. wanted.. to tell her. But I was afraid. Afraid she might, leave me. Afraid she might not feel the same. But, I should have told her. I was a coward." He keeps blaming himself, over and over.

I don't know how to comfort him, or stop him from blaming himself. Because his action is the reflection of mine. But I tried anyway. "Stop blaming yourself, Mark. It's not your doing." My voice trembling, the words fading into the cries of his. His soft, silent cries.

"I should have--"

"Shh. It's not your fault. Mark, I don't know how to comfort you. I'm bad at it. But i'm gonna say, I can't say anything to stop you from blaming yourself, because your act is like mine. But let the words of hers be your strength. Let it comfort you. You must at least feel glad that you finally able to know the truth. If you not, I swear I'll kick your pitiful butt, Mark."