Engaged [z.m.]

Chapter 36: Right here

Listen to Down by Jason Walker

Zayn

She didn't come home.

I knew she was alright. She often stayed at her mother's place.

But I wanted her here. Even though we barely conversed, there was something comforting about her presense. Her trotting around the house, sleeping, showering, eating. Anything.

I did escape from her sometimes because the silence was too much to bear otherwise, I always wanted her around. I wanted to be where I could see her.

The recognition that she was here meant everything. Perhaps I was scared that she was going to leave, to give up on us so I liked the idea of here around me so that I knew she hadn't gone anywhere.

I had called her already. Being the coward that I am, I cut it before she could answer. I wanted to hear her voice. To see if she was still mad at me from this morning.

But she was obviously hurt. Not hurt from this morning but hurt from everything that has happened between us ever since she came back from tour.

That night when I returned from my long car drive after Perrie gave me back her ring. We hugged. I kissed her long and hard and we said little for a while. Then we talked. I couldn't leave her. I couldn't imagine life without her because my life centred around her in every way possible.

She was and still is my life.

So I agreed upon her idea to keep going with our relationship. All she did until I left was indirectly attempt to put optimism into me about our fucked up situation.

And it worked. I left, we talked everyday. Things returned to normal. Then she returned, we cleared out her flat and shifted some of her furniture into my place. We gave away the rest. She packed up her clothes and belongings and settled in with me as if she had returned home from a long, hard trip.

Until a month and a half month after my New York trip, everything remained intact. Everything remained fine. I felt at home with her.

Then began a mental war between us. She started getting picky about the house. She would easily get annoyed by my usual messy habits that she had adored up till this point.

But that was normal. She had moved in with me. We were going to reside within a common household for God knows how long. We both had to make some compromises.

But I didn't. I took a hard line on her attitude. The fight came back to my mind. All her doubts. Her misconceptions.

And I couldn't take it anymore.

But we continued that way. Talks turned into fights, fights into silent disapprovals. And now there are no disapprovals.

Just a long, cold silence.

An unbreakable one.

I had blamed myself for so long. I still do. I probably always will even if things get better because all these days that we are wasting, all these days that we could spend making new memories are gone or will be gone. Even if I have realized this now, it makes little difference to the situation.

I couldn't fix us alone.

She couldn't fix us alone either.

I didn't know what to do anymore. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, frustratingly. I wanted to punch someone. I wanted to fight with someone. I wanted to scream at someone and blame them for my issues so they don't come back and haunt me at night but that was inevitable.