Engaged [z.m.]

Chapter 51: Talk to Me

C H A P T E R  F I F T Y - O N E

-51-

In what felt like a millennium, I awoke the next morning with not so much as a looming headache. Everything seemed quite unaffected. I felt the same. My lack of alcohol intake did not shun the memory of Perrie and my encounter. It had its own affects. I would have rather opted for a migraine. Life doesn't always give you choices however.

I was up early. It was Sunday. I was free. Despite the nature of my career, somehow I had managed a significant number of free Sundays. The day seemed bright or as much as I could tell from the peeking Sunlight from the thick maroon curtains of my bedroom. I pushed them aside for a closer inspection. Definitely bright.

The sun proved not even nearly as warm as you would assume looking at it today. The breeze made goosebumps arise on my wet, post shower skin. I decided that the outdoors definitely should not be in my list of things to do today.

I headed back inside. I hadn't ever felt so defeated in my entire life. I was not certain of who I had lost to - myself or the one person I had thought I had won over when I had left her. The only problem was leaving her had never felt like winning. From the second I left her, the pieces never fit together. I thought that she was the extra jigsaw piece in my box and if I removed her, I wouldn't be confused. My puzzle would transfix together and make sense. However, it was quite the contrary.

It was as if the removal of one extra piece had been a mistake. Because the puzzle seemed so incomplete without it now. None of the pieces joined together no longer. It was quite a mess and I was lost.

Last night was blur. A spiral of words and exchanges that clouded my memory to the extent that they made no sense at all. It seemed as if the person who had talked to her last night wasn't me. I could never talk to her like that. Who was I? Or the actual question was; who was I becoming?

It damaged and tainted my ego that I was in so deep with her. It was beyond what I had assumed. She had sunk into me and I just couldn't get her out. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I thought I was finally regaining control of myself when I was sure she had took me with her the day she left but yesterday clean swiped everything for me.

Yesterday, I realized where I stood. And the problem was - I had not progressed even a inch since the day we broke up. Despite, all my convincing myself that I had and all those failed attempts. I stood right there. In that dismantled, destroyed room from months ago. And that guy standing there was so persistent on not moving. I could see he wanted to but he failed. Every single fucking time.

I was so enraged. At myself. At her. The blood coursing through my veins boiled as all that swirled in my mind was last night and her.

I wish things had been easier. That I could unglue my feet from this position. That I could flip myself around. That I could snap my eyes shut, breath and look somewhere else.

I was in love with her.

I was so madly and deeply in love with her that everything seemed irrelevant. All my decisions seemed so profoundly stupid and ignorant. I had no self confidence in the steps that I had taken. I wanted to reverse everything. I wanted to push the rewind button that didn't exist. I wanted to go back to the night that I bent down on my knee and asked her to be mine forever. And to the moment that had said yes. And all those days after.