When Words Fail

Chapter 4

I've been thinking about what I told them. I know it was kind of harsh and I know it somewhat hurt them.

Sometimes I just can't stop my mouth from saying exactly what's not in my mind.

I want to have friends, really, really want to. I want to tell Jake and the others I can manage to have friends but having friends right now would just make it worse for me and for them. This is definitely not me speaking but this is a part of me that stayed hidden for long.

Yes I'm a book of sarcasm but I too, sometimes needs comfort from what they call friends.

I was once a cheerful girl--- they said--- but ever since my brother died, it seems like being alone with myself, seeking solitude and dealing sarcastically with others became somewhat my self defense and without it, I feel vulnerable. Once I hated being alone, but somewhat it became my most used weapon. My first line of defense.

My mind and mouth were always in contraries. I say what I don't mean to. That's why I was greatly bugged by my conscience of how painful the words I told them earlier. It's my kind of way of survival, driving people away from me.

I miss my brother. If he was here right now, he will pat me in my head and say, "Make friends, they're not that bad." at me.

Why stay in the shadows if there's countless friends waiting at you, they say. Yes I know they would make me happy. But could I make them happy? After getting to know each other, hanging out and having fun together, in the end it's me who's going to hurt them, so why bother? It's my kind of thing to keep everything to myself anyways.

I believe it's better to suffer pain alone, than sharing it with others. See, I'm not that selfish. I'm just being considerate by driving them off me.