Dani's December

Chapter Four

"All i'm saying Jen, is that you need to get over Dani, she was just a fling, you see how much you ment to her." My brothers words sting into me. I hate him. I hate him so much. "A fling that lasted a year and a half." i say quietly. "It wasn't a full year and a half, and she's in rehab for Christ sake, she's in rehab and almost killed someone. That's not good for you Jen." Okay so i might not be able to argue with much of that, other then the fact that she is the only thing for me. He doesn't get it though, and he never will so i quit arguing and turn my attention out the window. Driving to visit my parents with my brother, was not my idea of a perfect weekend. They moved to a town about an hour away when i moved out, but still they try to rule over us by making us come visit them as much as possible. Which can be a lot. The only thing i can think of this time is that the town my parents are in now, is only thirty miles away from the rehab center where Dani is. Dani didn't want me to know where she was, she said she didn't want me to come see her like that. But a few days ago a bill came in the mail from the center. I haven't decided if i'm going or not. The temptation is strong, but at the same time what if i don't like what i find out? I eyeball my brother from the corner of my eye, he isn't the only one that has been thinking about Dani, obviously.

I know that when she gets out things won't be the same, i know that she was probably a completely different person on drugs, and apparently i never knew her not on drugs so maybe i don't really love Dani... Maybe i just love Dani on drugs. She might not love me either..... maybe that's why  i am so tempted to go see her... to find out if i'm waiting on a ghost, but even if i am, what would i do about it? I can't "get over" Dani, she's my everything. Maybe i just want to see her because i miss the way she made me feel. Just being in her presence made me feel alive. Maybe i'm just being selfish, needing her far more then she needs me.  I don't know what i am going to do. "You ready for this?" My brother ask as we pull into the drive way. With a sigh i get out of the car, leaving his question unanswered, trying to show him that i am still made at him. Wow i'm evil huh? "Honey!!" My mother squeals as she wraps her arms around me. She hasn't done that since i told her about Dani and i. They must all be in on remaking me. I spend the next three nights hiding, running, and dodging away from all of them. On the morning we were supposed to be leaving i heard them talking in the kitchen. "I don't think she's over Dani yet mom." My brother, who sure didn't seem to have my back on the ride over here seems to be sticking up for me now. Maybe that's because i havn't talked to him all weekend. As i stand outside the door listening to my parents argue about why i need to get over Dani and my brother argue that it will happen when it happens, i feel like i'm eight years old again listening in on my parents to see if they really did get me that barbie i wanted for Christmas. Then just as i turn to go i hear it "I can't hardly stand to look at her, knowing what she is..." my mothers words slice through me. I go sit in the living room, not saying anything when they come to bid us farewell. Silence on the way back. My mind is in a daze, i can't process anything.

I will not be returning to my parents house.

The next morning i have class. Seeing the closet kind of sets me off, but i continue on to class. Then at the end of class the professor hands our papers back, i got an A. "This is good Jen, Keep it up, you may have something." He says as i walk out the door. I don't know, something about that comment hits me, I burst out laughing. My life would make a great suspenseful gay romance story, how funny is that?? Maybe is should mail this to my mom eh teach?? Would she think its so great? Or would she be just as disgusted by it? I go home still laughing the entire way. So this is what a mental breakdown feels like. I can't decide what i feel, or more so i feel everything and i just can't decide which one i feel more of. 

Then i find myself driving, Headed towards Dani.

I can't wait for December.