Dani's December

Chapter Nine

Dani said she'd be back.

And she was.

Then just like she would be now.

That's what i kept telling myself.

That is how i survive the next month, that thought and my journal are my only lifelines. The only things that keep me breathing. The only thing that keeps me getting out of bed, going to work, going to school, facing the boys that think i'm a freak and the girls that think i'm hitting on them everytime i look up, ignoring my mother completely. Is this what Dani went through? I'm begining to see more of Danis' point of veiw. Although she is the exact opposite of me. So strong, so sure of herself. Or was that part of the act? I knew Danis' mask. The faces she put up when she didn't want anyone to see the real her. I'm beggining to wonder if i ever saw Dani WITHOUT a mask...

I push the thought away and go to reread all i've written in the past four weeks.

I HATE THIS. Staring at the clock like a physco. It is insanity. Pure insanity. And i love it.. Because i like the electricity going through my veins. I like the hyped up nervousness i have. I hate it, and i love it. At 3:40 i'm crawling out of my skin, at 3:47 Dani walks in the doors, looking slightly more rested. She locks eyes with me, i melt, the jitters are gone, everything is gone except her.

That is how it is for three solid months. Hanging out with Dani. When i'm not with her i'm jittery and dreaming of when we will be hanging out again. When i was with her (Which was 99% of the time) it was like nothing else mattered. The world took secound in any competition with Dani, as far as i'm concerned.

As winter faded into early spring i was begining to wonder if this would ever turn into more than just a friendship. My mouth watered at the idea, at times i thought Dani was thinking it to. Whenever i caught her looking at me with that intense look in her eye, my heart stopped, Whenever her face was close to mine i forgot to breath. Everytime i would catch her in a room with another girl, i was furious. Even drunk Dani never kissed me. I was begining to wonder if she really just wasn't intrested in me. Or maybe i just needed to make it more obvious that i was intrested in her...

But then again i had learned so much about her in the past three months. Her smiles, Her wide smile that exposed her perfectly white teeth, Her wicked little smile she would get whenever she was going to do something i considered dumb. Which was a lot. She was attracted to danger, she fed off it, risking her life practically on a daily basis, it drove me mad. The way her eyebrows would raise when was curious or waiting for a response. They way she always seemed to when anyone was lying. I learned everything and nothing at all. I didn't know where she was from, anything about her family, anything about her life before she walked through those doors that cold december night.

Yet somehow, i felt like i knew more than most. I watched her, long since caving into the indulgence of simply looking at her. I noticed the things others didn't. And with that edge i decided that on saturday night, i would be kissing those perfect lips. Hopefully a lot. But that all relied on her reaction. Sitting in that resturant that wensday night i made the decision. We were with a group of people, but neither of us was really into the buzz of chatter going around. I couldn't hear any of it anyhow, i was so focused on what her lips would feel like against mine. When see locked eyes with me i thought for a secound she knew exactly what i was thinking. I could feel it in my stomic, yet  it didn't feel that the twing of rejection, even as she turned her head and started talking with the rest of them. I just turned my face the opposite direction allowing my hair to form a wall and smiled to myself. Saturday.

I close the journal. I've written so much more but i want to fall asleep with those crystal clear memories flying through my head.

Only two months left till December.