Diamonds For Dinner.

Chapter 19

The feeling you get when you walk on stage.
I missed it so much, without realizing.
I was backstage and could hear the fans scream.
"Lana!"
"Lana!"
My heart pounded and the feeling was the same as it had always been. When it was my first time, the feeling was being nervous but after spending years, walking out on stage, the feeling never faded away and continued to be the same way it was when I walked out on stage the first day. I never wanted it to fade away as much as I hated it, I loved it and it was one of the many things in life that I could never decide a good or wrong about.
It seemed perfect just the way it was handed to me.
And why would I go against all the odds to change, something that was perfect?
I walked out on stage as the fans roared my louder and I started beaming and the nervous feeling faded away like the darkness of the night at sunrise.
I yelled "Louder!" and they did as I said. "Louder!" and they listened.
I sang all the songs from my previous album and in many days, the feeling I missed the most, came back to me.
The feeling of being loved.
The crowd was 75,000 people, young and old but mostly young, all eyes on me. Singing along to whatever I sang.
And their eyes sparkled whenever I would look at them as if I casted a spell and my magic was all over them.
"For the last song, I wanted to sing something special, something I never sang live before, something special for you" I continued "Some weeks ago, a new song of mine was released, the song is very personal to me. Although everything attached to it is bitter in one way or another but tonight, I want to thank you, thank you to the woman who thanked me when I sat across her at a dinner because here I stand" I pointed towards the crowd and continued " So thank you for being the reason...the reason the song was written, when it went straight to number one and when it sold 22 million copies in the first week" I paused for a while as I heard the fans scream as loud as they could and then my band played the music and I sang the last song for the night.
I closed my eyes the moment I sat in the car as we drove home from the concert venue.
"You killed it!" John yelled.
"Thanks John, I'm feeling so weary an-"
"Eat this for now" he said as he gave me a huge burger as tired as I was, I just nodded and ate the burger with my eyes closed. I believed John and I knew he wouldn't give me poison.
After all, why in the world would he poison me when he was employed because of my existence? Yeah, that's right, he wouldn't.

*

It was the morning of the day after the concert, originally, john told me that today at twelve in the afternoon I would fly back home to London but I told him to cancel the flight.
I wanted to stay here for sometime. I wasn't sure how much time but as long as my heart allowed.
When I collapsed on the hotel bed last night and realized I was flying back to London, I just couldn't let myself to agree upon. Something didn't feel right. John told me that I could go back to London and continue my 'break' but I could still enjoy my break here. It was still a break.
And here I was, wondering in my hotel room what was I supposed to do in a foreign land. Having no friends or family here. I really was really alone but surprisingly it left great. I felt free.
My lips stretched from one ear to another, I felt so happy.
Alone in that hotel room, knowing I was somewhere where I knew no one, I felt as if the memories with the people I knew were left behind and I became part of the crowd which didn't knew them.
One thing I realized, being alone was that when you have nobody to talk to - You talk to yourself and that explained the reason why I had so many thoughts lately. Good or bad. I had no one to talk to and I questioned myself and answered myself and I, trusted and believed myself and I despite, being different from so many, thought that what I thought was the only opinion and the only answer to my question even if it was negative. For me, it seemed to be the most authentic answer and the most honest opinion.
My thoughts were driving me insane while part of them crept back again again to remind me to remain sane. It was then a thought hit me, to grab my notebook and scrabble over the poetry I could write to sum up feelings I felt.

  Toronto // 1 September

Lighting fell over my daisy

Grieve fell over me

My daisy was kind

Tell me what makes your daisy so special?

For my daisy had been struck by lighting

My daisy bloomed again

My daisy held my hand

And made me a daisy too

I asked my daisy how could it be possible

To turn a bitter flavour into a daisy?

My daisy smiled

And I found my answer

My daisy laughed

My question disappeared

   -My daisy.
     By: Landla Ellen

I poured out whatever my heart had been hiding for so long. I spent the whole day writing poetry and I didn't regret anything about it. The notebook was so special to me, I held it in a tight grip in my hand and smiled the widest, content with whatever was written in it.
It was all me. There was no hiding. My poetry reflected my own self and there was no fear of hiding your soul from a notebook that was blank for you to write about it.