Diamonds For Dinner.

Chapter 18

It was a week since Clarie told me everything I never wanted to hear. James disappeared from my life after that night, I was sure it was because Clarie told him everything that happened between us that day but I didn't care if he felt sad or broken now but I was sure he never felt those things since he was never in love with me so why would he feel broken?
Maybe a dark cloud of guilt hovered above him but it would of no use to tell me he loved me because I knew what love was - and it certainly wasn't anything he felt for me.
Part of me wanted to go back to him and tell him I could live with a lie and part of me was happy to find out it was over. I didn't cry as much as last time, I didn't wanted to. I would always think that heartache caused by true love would be worth it but this never was true love - not even close to it.
John called me telling me about the Toronto concert, which I would be leaving for tomorrow morning. I had everything packed and I was ready to leave London for awhile. My best and worst memories were made here but for awhile I wanted to leave it all behind and look ahead, explore a new color.
It wasn't much to ask for, for a heartache to end. James had moved on, I was sure. A week was enough for me to look ahead of my life to see who really was there and who was just using me for my wealth or social status. Jenny and Liam would come to my house and bake cookies. Although Liam didn't knew how to bake, he would sit down with me and we would talk about everything from love to feeling broken as Jenny would bake the cookies and bring them in a tray to us and we three would watch a movie on my TV eating cookies with milk.
It was more than I could ask for. They stood by me as I fell and James was nowhere to be seen and I was glad because I never wanted to see him again either.
Liam and Jenny would tell me that he was never worth it and he didn't deserve me. He deserved Clarie and Clarie deserved James. I would always ask then why would this always happen to me? They would always reply that I had everything people wished for so they always wanted it too.
That was the real question, if people knew what I didn't and did have, they would walk past me as if I were invisible and they did, when I was a broke girl.
"Hi Lana, you ready for the flight tomorrow?" John asked me on the phone. "Of course" I answered and rested the phone on the table. The night passed quickly, sleep took over as soon as my cheek pressed against the pillow.

*

I sat in the plane looking at the view as we took off from Heathrow Airport, it was a sunny July morning. I wore my white sundress with gold booties carrying my carrier bag on my back.
The flight went smoothly, I booked two seats, the seat next to me and my own even though it was business class. The area for my sitting was spacious, I watched a few movies and ate delicious meals, having little naps in between.
We landed at afternoon in Toronto, my car awaited me to drive me to the hotel. I collapsed on the hotel room bed and to my surprise, tears filled my eyes. It wasn't because of James or even Brad but it was a feeling - I wanted to cry for absolutely no reason. I just wanted to let it all out. I was stronger than before but became weaker too. That afternoon, I cried for two hours straight. I cried for all the pain I had been through my life even before I became a millionaire, the broke girl looking for jobs and struggling in school because of my parents death when I was 12. Wishing they were here with me so they could hold me in their arms and tell me it'll all be okay.
Growing up without my parents at my aunts house was different than most children at school. Eventually, I moved out at 16 and with the little money my parents had left behind, I bought an apartment and started doing two jobs. It was difficult. Life was difficult and with every passing moment I wish my parents were here.
Then came the audition which changed my life and caused it to go upside down. Nevertheless I was thankful for whatever happened because I knew where I stood now was a beautiful place and I had nothing other than being thankful for where I stood.
I took a stroll around my hotel room in the streets of Toronto, realizing how I had been feeling deep about my thoughts all the time.
I thought everything twice and over and over until the results seemed negative.
After the stroll, I went back to the hotel room to eat food which, eating after, I slept before I could think about what to wear tomorrow.
The day arrived of the rehearsal, John wanted me to do rehearsals for the whole week but I refused because I knew what to do on stage - this wasn't my first time.
After the rehearsal, I was invited to a dinner party which my management hosted. All the biggest 'stars' were to arrive there but I refused to go I didn't wanted to go there. I don't know why but I never felt the slightest urge to go there. As the night arrived, I sat in my hotel room wondering where life was taking me as the 'stars' danced their night away, laughing and drinking away their night.
I was never a drinker, I didn't drink.
Nor did I dance.
I did laugh but lately I had been missing on it too.