This one can be offensive to certain people, don’t say you were not warned.
Contains: self harm, swearing, depressiveness
YOUR pov.
I can’t take this anymore.
No matter how much i am loving life the pressure from school and the world is layed on my shoulders.
School, GCSE’s.
I’m scared.
The exams and going through school, it’s been long enough.
I love making youtube videos but the pressure.
All of it.
Also i’m finding out too much of the world than i can process.
All the science and evil, it’s frightening.
Genuinely really scary.
I am staying at jack and finn’s new flat they have togehter.
They are out with alfie, marcus and sam i think.
Chilling around london as lads. I’m not sure if they are meeting up with zoe and louise later but yeah.
I told them i was ""ill"" so i didn’t have to go.
My anxiety has gotten too bad now.
Really bad and no-one knows about it, literally
. You are probably thinking, why don’t i tell people but i am in fact too busy listening to their problems to care about my own.
I deal with them myself.
Before i would just watch youtube videos but doing that now seems weird and that magic seems to have worn off.
Especially now i do them myself.
I don’t exactly want to die but i need to take it out somehow.
My hand wipes away the tears that had leaked from my eyes whilst thinking through it all.
Or do i want to die?
I sigh as i walk into the kitchen, they shouldn’t be home for hours.
Shaking, my hands search the draw for a sharp knife.
I find a small one.
Small but sharp.
Over the sink, i brace myself for the first cut.
Inhaling, i place the blade to my wrist and as i exhale lightly slice through the skin already leaking blood.
Is dying from blood loss painful?
scary?
Only one way to find out.
The pain was only little and echoed throughtout the area.
The salty tears that drop from my cheeks mix with the blood in my cuts slightly splashing into the cut creating an unbarable pain.
I bite my other hand to keep myself from screaming.
Crying aloud, i slowly bend down the floor, back against the cabnet.
Already feeling myself overtaken with fatigue and weakness.
Again, i mark myself with another cut releasing my inner pain with a new pain, slightly more barable.
Everything, just everything that is worrying me. the anxiety and scaredness is going into this.
Faintly, i hear the front door open.
They can’t be home already but it was hard to focus considering i was already drifting in and out of conciousness.
"[Y/N] we are-" I hear finn say before freezing in the doorway.
“Shit, Jack!" He shouts.
Conciousness is slowly coming back to me and i can see Finn rush to me.
"[Y/N], what has happened? Why?"
I’m crying too hard to even explain. “JACK!" He shouts so loud i am sure someone in france heard us.
"What is-." Jack stops in his sentence like Finn does.
"Call someone! Get an ambulence?" Finn harshly shouts at him. Jack pulls out his phone and calls the ambulence.
"It’s going to be okay [Y/N]." The unconciousness is coming back to me before i see completely nothing but can speak and hear the surroundings.
Jack and Finn are fighting. At one point i heard the door open and two other familiar male voices appear but that is it before all is gone.
***************************
A bleeping monitor is the first thing i hear.
Then the sense of touch soon followed by smell.
That awful hospital smell.
Then my eyelids flutter open.
Jack and Finn sat beside my bed.
Jack’s face red in the eyes, obvious that he had been crying.
Finn was asleep.
"Jack?" i moan.
"[Y/N]?" Jack’s voice suddenly breaks the silence.
“Are you okay?" He leans in to hug me as he cries.
"Yeah." I sigh.
“Sleepy." Jack smiles and nudges Finn who wakes up.
''[Y/N]?" He looks at me through sleepy eyes.
"Yes. Hi Finn." That is when i realised.
I’m alive, i don’t want this.
I feel myself flush with heat, sickness and panic.
i don’t want this.
"You alright?" Obviously Jack noticed.
"I-I don’t want to be here. Why did you save me? " I cry.
“I want to die." I cry.
Jack starts crying too.
"We don’t want you dead." Jack sobs quietly.
"But i want me dead. I NEED to be dead." I practically scream and cry.
Hospital people walk into the room and try to calm me down but they can’t.
They won’t.
In the end they escort Jack and Finn out the room, Jack crying and Finn trying to comfort him.
"I’m sorry." I mouth to them through the window before they pull down the blinds.
I’m sorry Jack and Finn.
