The next few days followed the same sort of pattern. I woke up, I threw up, Brian brought me breakfast and we chilled. He was being sweet and attentive and trying to make up for everything. But in the back of my mind, all I could think about was how he was going to react when I spoke to him. I kept putting it off and now it was New Years Eve. We had planned to go to Times Square for midnight. I really didn't want to ruin that for everyone, but at the same time I couldn't put it off any longer.
I jumped down from the kitchen counter and padded through to the living room, where Brian was playing computer games. He glanced up at me as I entered the room and smiled, only to pause the game when he saw the expression on my face.
"Can we talk?" I asked quietly. He nodded and I sat down beside him.
"What's up, Shae?" He asked, worry plain across his face.
I exhaled deeply and took his hand. "When you left Brian, I had to do a lot of thinking. About us. And the future. My heart all but broke when you disappeared, and all that went through my mind was what if you do that once the baby is born." He tried to interrupt me but I stopped him. "Please, just let me get this out." I begged. "There is so much we haven't even discussed or thought about yet. We live on the opposite sides of the world. How the hell are we going to bring up a child together when it's a logistical nightmare just trying to see each other regularly. I love you so much, I really do, but I just don't see how to make this work for the best. And that's why...I think it would be best if...if we broke up." I couldn't look Brian in the eye, I knew those puppy dog eyes would be sadder than I'd ever seen them. I kept my eyes firmly on our hands, still linked together tightly. "I think it's for the best. And if you decide that you don't want anything to do with me...or the baby...then that's ok." My breathing hitched and I started to cry.
Brian wiped the tears from my face and lifted my chin so I looked at him. "And that's what you want, is it?" He asked quietly. I shook my head.
"No but..." I started, but Brian interrupted. "I know I've fucked up Shae. Over and over. And I wouldn't blame you if you really did want to end things. But it's not what I want, and I know it's not what you want either. Not deep down. I want you, and I want this baby. I'm sorry but I'm just not going to let you end this. Despite everything that's gone on, we are so damn good together and you know it. I refuse to give up on us." He kissed me fiercely as I cried even more.
He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight against his chest. "I love you Shae, nothing is gonna change that." We lay wrapped around each other on the sofa for a while, until Oli returned from Sal's to get ready for New Years Eve.
As Oli tried to dragged me upstairs to help her decide what to wear, Brian said he was popping to Sal's and would be back later. He kissed me hard and whispered that he loved me then flew out of the door.
"You know you're going to be covered in a big coat and hat and gloves right? Nobody is going to see what you're wearing!" I moaned at Oli as she started throwing clothes at me. "I am wearing something comfy and warm, I literally couldn't give a shit how I look!"
"Yeah well you have your man," Oli whinged. "You two are solid." I rolled my eyes, thinking about the earlier conversation we had. "I need to impress!"
I lay back on the bed and laughed. "Dude you have Sal wrapped around your little finger, you don't need to impress him at all."
Oli sat down beside me. "You think?"
I nodded and grinned. "100% You have to have seen the way he looks at you, he is completely smitten. And I know you're the same. I see everything." I teased.
The grin on Oli's face confirmed it. "You are so loved up!" I laughed. "Come on, pick something sensible. You get hypothermia, you ain't doing shit tonight!"
We were both wrapped up and ready when Brian returned with Sal in tow. Joe, Bessy and Murr were meeting us off the ferry before we made our way into the city. We were going for food first then to Times Square. I was surprisingly excited. New Years at home usually involves a couple of bottles of wine and crappy tv with Oli. The holiday hype was infectious and we were laughing and joking all the way into the city.
I smiled as I watched Oli and Sal together. They were unbelievably cute and I'd never seen Oli so happy. "What are you smiling about?" Brian asked as he took my hand.
"Just those two." I replied. "Not a care in the world."
"You think it will last?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. I know how adamant Oli was about not doing a long distance thing, but when I see that I don't see how it can't."
I waved as I saw the others stood waiting for us. I all but ran up to Joe and gave him a massive hug, whispering that everything was ok. He gave me a tight squeeze before releasing me and hugging Oli. The seven of us made our way to the diner that we chose for dinner. Nobody wanted anything fancy, opting instead for comfort food and stodge to keep us warm later on. As I squeezed into the booth, I looked around at the guys and smiled. I hoped everything was going to work out because I couldn't imagine not having this stupid bunch in my life.
