Oblivious Hearts (Phan)

Chapter Seventeen

'True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about but few have seen.'

- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld

Back at Phil's, where Dan had agreed he would stay tonight, Phil was curled up in a ball on the sofa, staring at the wall, lost in the horror in his mind that he was desperate to shield Dan from but that he craved Dan would free him from.

Phil hadn't noticed Dan was back in the room with him until he spoke and sat next to him on the sofa.

"Who was she to you Phil?" Dan asked gently.

"She was... We were sort of together. But not in the way you are imagining. Well... Sort of... I don't know Dan, we didn't even know at the time. I can't really tell you right now. But I will, one day." Phil said, his voice shallow and muffled.

"Would it help if I told you a bit about my past relationships? Maybe to break the ice on the whole 'ex' talk that people usually have." Dan suggested.

"That might help..." Phil replied. Or it might make it worse when you find out how much of a nice normal life he's had.

"Well, I've only been with two people." Dan started; he curled his legs underneath him on the sofa, put a squishy cushion on his lap and cupped a hot mug of tea between his hands. "The first was a girl, the second a guy. I was with the girl at college, so quite a long time ago. I was with the guy for a year and it ended over two years ago. It wasn't love, what we had between us, not with either of them. It was more convenience and fun." Dan traced his middle finger around the rim of the mug. "They're the only people I've been with, romantically and um... And sexually." Dan said, his voice growing quiet towards the end out of embarrassment.

"Don't say 'only been with two people' Dan," Phil replied. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's actually a good thing, I think. I'd assumed you'd been with more, but now I know you haven't I feel even more... I don't know... Special?" And guilty... When he finds out he'll be really fucked up. Yeah, his first experience of love and his boyfriend has to fuck it all up and screw with his head.

"You are special." Dan said. Phil was the only person he ever loved, he'd never pictured himself being with anyone like this, especially not someone that he'd fall so in love with so quickly. People liked Dan sure, but he only had a few friends, and they were only friends with him because he'd let them talk about themselves. But with Phil it was different than anything Dan had ever experienced or seen, it was like they were made to share a life together. Dan's friends had spoken about being in love before but they had never described it like this. Dan knew he would do absolutely anything for Phil he only had to ask. Phil brought out new parts of Dan, he became the completed version of himself in Phil's presence. New ideas, new urges, new desires had all formed in Dan's mind since meeting Phil and he loved it. He knew inside Phil there was pain and broken parts that needed to be cared for, but Dan had these parts too, he just hid them.

"You're special too, Dan. I don't think you know just how special you are to me." Phil spoke softly, his eyes, warm with love, were like deep pools of the clearest blue water that Dan wanted to get lost in forever. "I've never felt like this about anyone before. I don't just mean being in love with you." Phil said. "I mean... What do I mean?... It's like I want to care for you and protect you from any harm that might come your way, and I can honestly say I've never wanted to do that for someone before. You're like an extension of myself, but my better self. Your presence, physically when you're around me, and mentally when we are apart but you're in my mind, it shines a light on the ugliest parts of myself and improves me. You change me for the better and I want to share everything with you, I want you to always be with me and help me make the best choices I can make. But more than that, I want to help you be your best self too, the only problem is I don't think you can get any better." Phil hated himself for saying any of this. It sounded pathetic out loud. He'd never felt love towards someone before, never wanted to protect them, never wanted them to depend on him, but with Dan it was different. He wanted, no, needed Dan to feel the same way about him.

Dan believed him, the sincerity in Phil's words and etched on his face made it impossible to not believe him.

"Do you think you're ready to tell me a bit more about her yet?" Dan asked nervously. He was watching Phil for signs of anger or resentment, but couldn't find any.

"One day..." Phil said, he wasn't ready to lose Dan yet, and there was so much more to say before he talked, truthfully, about his past.

Okay I know this is super short but I wanted to get something up today. I'm not around to write and upload for the next few days but I will probably upload a couple of chapters when I do get back.

As always I hope you enjoyed it, let me know.

And the song, which is sooo amazing is Two Men In Love by The Irrepressibles, also how cute is that quote? Awh :]

T x