Oblivious Hearts (Phan)

Chapter Twenty Seven

               

Word count: 1374

WARNING: Suicidal thoughts throughout.

'Under the wide and starry sky,

Dig the grave and let me lie.'

- Robert Louis Stevenson

A few days passed by and Phil was still curled up in bed letting the exhausting sobs take control of his body. He couldn't care about anything but Dan.

Sweet, kind, gentle Dan. Phil always knew his past was fucked up, but somehow seeing someone as forgiving and understanding as Dan pull away from him so fast and hurt him in return made something click in Phil's mind.

The emotional trauma he was feeling at this point was enough to make him physically sick, which it did, several times, but Phil had no energy left in him to move or to clean it up. But more than that, Phil knew the pain he was feeling was just like that of the women he had emotionally and physically abused before. They had broken under Phil's control, and he'd enjoyed watching it happen, getting a thrill from the suffering. Now Phil fully understood that anyone who enjoyed inflicting this on someone else was evil.

Somehow, even though he'd always known Craig was wrong in what he did, he'd since begun to understand and follow in his footsteps for years after. But now... Now he knew he'd never be able to do something like that again. The women Phil had hurt had their own families, their own lives and thoughts and opinions, but Phil never even bothered to think past them being a toy for him to play with and manipulate, as he did so easily. The women hadn't appealed to him, but it was not because they were broken women. Over the brief time he'd been with Dan Phil had finally come to terms with this. It wasn't that he enjoyed being with Craig, he was just born this way.

He knew he was wrong, and always had been. Now Dan was gone and wouldn't want him back, Phil didn't blame him for this, he wouldn't want himself either.

So what was the point?

What good was there to be found in carrying on?

He'd caused so much pain and suffering, he didn't deserve even the length of happiness he'd shared with Dan. He certainly didn't deserve to have Dan back.

He was of no importance to anyone in this world.

Dan had been his only anchor to some semblance of a purpose and now that had floated away, like a feather in a storm.

He could end everyone's suffering, along with his own right now.

Phil's body had dried completely of any moisture left to turn into tears and was still shaking with shock and sorrow. There was no energy left within him to carry on. He could just lie here and list everything wrong he'd ever done, torture his mind a little bit more, until nature took control and his body broke down from the inside out. He would starve and his body would lay here and rot, his organs would decay and finally he would feel no pain, but more importantly he would not inflict more pain on anyone else.

No one would ever find him.

No one would even look for him.

Because no one cared.

Not even Dan.

Not anymore.

And it was all his fault.

You're so pathetic Phil, he thought, you don't even have the energy to kill yourself and end everyone's suffering.

His eyes felt raw and dry as he closed his eyelids and gave into the sleep that he hoped he would never wake up from.