All of the Lights

Chapter Fourteen

Previously...

There were times that I wanted to kill myself. Tonight was one of those times. Sometimes you begin to believe that you're better off dead.

The physical pain had given me a different topic to focus on, which I was grateful for. I'd rather feel pain, than think about pain.

Maybe if I hurt myself bad enough, I will forget about my mental pain.

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Chapter Fourteen

After that incident, I began cutting myself. I would lock myself in the bathroom while Sam was away and puncture my skin with a razor blade.

It started off just trying it, but the more hate I read, the more cutting I did. It soon became a 3x a week thing. It was almost like smoking a cigarette.

Once the pain from my last cuts would die down, I would be craving more pain. I was addicted to the pain. I needed to constantly feel pain in order to go on.

I would cut myself around my hips and stomach. I couldn't do it on any exposed skin due to my fame. I didn't want anyone to find out about this. It was something between me and me only.

Sam was starting to become worried. He would always rest his hands under my shirt at night and rub my stomach. Now, I refused to let him. He would ask questions and get confused. Every time I would respond with "I don't want to be touched." He eventually gave up and stopped doing it.

Sam had just left with his band to go do a show around the area. I told him I was staying home.

Perfect chance to cut.

I stumbled into the bathroom almost immediately after he left.

I slit my hips. The pain gave me a quick release from the mental bullying I've been doing to myself. I clenched my teeth, making another cut.

The blood slowly dropped down and onto the floor.

Suddenly, I heard the front door open. I froze.

Footsteps started to jog up the stairs. They turned and went into my room.

"Babe?" Sam called.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I stayed silent, not sure of what to say.

"Riles?" Sam knocked on the door.

"Uhh, yeah? Hey." I tried to pull together a sentence.

"I left some guitar picks on the dresser. They're not there, did you move them." He said through the door.

"Uhm, no. They're not in here."

"Can I check?"

"No! I mean... Uhm... I'm about to take a shower!"

"Ok?" Sam was confused. Normally, we would leave the bathroom door unlocked when we were in it. There was nothing to hide... Until now.

"They're not in here, Sam!" I yelled. I wanted him to leave.

"Let me in, Riley!" Sam jiggled the handle.

"No, stop!" I stood up, opening a drawer. I threw my blade in there, covering it up with the other supplies. Sam's footsteps disappeared. I stopped, wondering if he left.

Then, I heard jiggling on the door knob.

He has the key.

I quickly grabbed a handful of toilet paper and shoved it on my hips. I pulled my sweat pants up, and my shirt down. I grabbed a towel and threw it on top of the blood that was covering the floor. Sam opened the door just in time.