All of the Lights

Chapter Fifteen

Previously...

"Ok... Go to sleep. I'll, uh... I'll be here... If you need anything." Sam hopped off the bed and walked over to the single couch by the tv. He sat down and ran his fingers through his hair.

He's not going to lie down with me... He's scared of me. This is going to be a long night.

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Chapter Fifteen

I couldn't sleep that night. Nightmares of Sam leaving me and the media finding out filled my head. It was around 7am when my eyes fluttered open again. They refused to close. I looked to my side. Still no Sam. I peeked at the couch. He was lying there, on his phone.

He hasn't been able to sleep either.

"Morning." He said weakly when he noticed me looking at him. He gave me an empty smile. I stared at him.

"What?" He asked. More worry filled his eyes. "Do you feel ok? How are your ribs?" He avoided mentioning the situation that happened last night.

"I'm fine. They're fine." I lied.

"What do you want for breakfast?" He stood up and walked over to me. He kneeled down by my side of the bed.

"I'm not hungry." I stared at the ceiling.

Sam doesn't love me anymore.

"You still have to eat something, Riley." He carefully rubbed the skin on my hand. I stayed silent. After a minute or so, Sam sighed and stood up.

"I'll go get you some fruit." He walked out of the room.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling. This was like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. Everything I never wanted to happen, was happening.

Sam was treating me differently, and I didn't like it. I was still the same person he loved... I was just going through a really rough patch.

I want to kill myself. I want to feel more pain.

I was determined to die. I couldn't kill myself, though. Cody was right about what he had said yesterday. I couldn't make Sam feel guilty. Instead, I was going to stop caring. I wasn't going to be cautious. Danger and fear didn't scare me, but made me happy. It was the only escape from this world.

"Here." Sam sat down next to me with the bowl of berries in his lap. He scooped a spoonful of fruit and put the spoon closer to my mouth. I opened, letting him feed me. Slowly, I finished the fruit. Sam pushed the empty bowl to the side and laid down next to me. He put his hands under his head, staring at the ceiling. We both were silent until I decided to rest my head against his chest.

"Be careful!" Sam jumped. I shook my head and turned to my side.

Sam's gone.

I let more tears fall, trying to keep them silent. Sam groaned.

"Riley don't cry! I'm sorry! I just don't want you to get hurt!" He explained. He wrapped an arm around my stomach, avoiding my ribs and hips.

"Sam, I've been doing this for a while." I brought up. I felt like he deserved an explanation. Sam was silent.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry... But lately I haven't been happy." I whispered.

"I'm just... Why aren't you telling me these things, Riley?"

"Because there's nothing you can do to fix it..."

"But I could help!"

"Sam..." I shook my head. He could help... He probably could. I just refused to let him. The last thing I wanted to do was have Sam go through this with me. He didn't deserve to.

"How long have you been cutting?" He took in a deep breath. He wasn't prepared for the answer, but needed to know.

"Since I bruised my ribs."

"Seriously?" He breathed. He rubbed his eyes, unable to accept the truth. I was Riley Drescher. I was supposed to be perfect. Little did he know, I was ripped apart.

"Why, though?" His voice was muffled. He had his hands over his face.

"Sam... I... It made me forget about the insults... I felt worthless, and it made me feel worthless and for some reason I liked it. It made me focus on the physical pain, not the mental."

"Fuck." He muttered.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered. I shut my eyes tightly.

He has no idea what I'm getting myself into... He has no idea how this has just begun.

"No more. Please." His words were stressed. I bit my lip.

I can't promise him that.

"I don't know..." I stated.

"No. You're not doing it anymore. I'm not going to let you, Riley. No more." He was beginning to get angry. "Riley... I can't lose you."

You already have, Sam...

"You don't get it, Sam! You don't see all of the hate that I get! You don't understand how much I have to fit everyone's expectations!"

"You don't have to fit anyone's expectations, Riley! All you have to be is yourself. Why do you let them change you? You're not perfect, ok? You're not. But no one is, Riley. How dare they make you feel like you have to act and look a certain way. That's not what this is about!" Sam complained. He got off of the bed, and stormed into the bathroom. I heard him shuffling through the drawers.

"What have you been using to cut yourself?" He called from the bathroom.

"Sam, come on." I moaned.

"No. Where is it?" He demanded. He was dead serious about this.

"Sam!"

"What have you been using to cut yourself?" He yelled. He slammed the drawer shut and pushed items out of the cabinets. I could hear them fall and crash to the floor.

"A razor blade... In the drawer." My lip shook. I heard him open the drawer again and dig through it.

"Shit." He mumbled. He must've found it. "Holy fuck." He stormed out of the bathroom. He was now face to face with me.

"This is what you've been using?" He held the razor in front of me. It was stained red with blood from last night. I took a deep swallow and nodded my head.

"It's gone. It's not in charge of you anymore. It's gone." He was breathing heavily. He bit his lip, trying to keep in shaky breaths. "You're done doing this."

I nodded my head and watched him. He couldn't look me in the eyes. He stumbled to the end of the bed, falling on his knees.

"Please." He begged.

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Hey guys! Ugh, I'm stuck here... Not sure how to continue the story. I have an idea, but I feel like it wouldn't be realistic. I'll keep brain storming. Keep voting and commenting! Perhaps a follow? Haha. Thanks for all of the love!

Evolislove