All of the Lights

Chapter Seventeen

Previously...

"Baby just relax..." Sam attached his lips to mine. I quickly pulled myself away. I couldn't kiss back. The feeling was so strange and alien. Sam and I hadn't had an actual kiss in a while. I wasn't ready to actually kiss him. I refused to.

"What?" Sam opened his eyes and looked at me with confusion.

"I'm tired." I decided to say. It was the best excuse I could think of. Sam pulled himself off of me and turned on his side. He let out a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. Sam didn't respond.

And there I go again... Making people hurt.

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Chapter Seventeen

"Riley?" Sam whispered. I fluttered my eyes open. Sam was sitting on the edge of the bed in a loose T-shirt and sweat pants. The sun was shining through the windows.

"Yeah?" I responded groggily. I rubbed my eyes and pulled myself up.

"Let's get breakfast." He stared at me. He was back to himself again. No drugs in his system.

"Ok." I nodded. I pulled myself to the edge of the bed. I sat next to Sam and quickly pulled him into a hug. Sam's body was limp. He had no reaction.

I just don't want you to feel sad, Sam.

"Thank you." I whispered in his ear. Sam took in a breath and looked at me. His empty eyes stared into mine.

"For what?" He asked, completely confused.

Ugh. What do I say? How did I use to act? How would "old Riley" respond?

"For getting me super turned on last night." I laughed. Sam's expressionless face was now giving me a small smirk. There was a little glint in his eyes. He let out a quiet laugh and placed his hand on my thigh. He became silent and licked his lips.

"I knew it was real when you pulled away from me." He gave an airy laugh.

Is he kidding or being serious?

I bit my lip and glanced at the floor.

"So you remember that?" I muttered. Sam rubbed my leg.

"That wasn't the only thing I remembered. I think I should be the one thanking you. It's nice to know that the girl I fell in love with is still somewhere in you." Sam stared at the ceiling.

Ouch.

"It was nice to see the care free Sam that I've always admired, too. I guess we've both become different people." I fired back. Sam sighed.

"Yeah. I guess so."

"I like you better when you're high." I spat. I got up from the bed and stormed into the bathroom.

"And I like you better when you're not trying to kill yourself. I guess we both can't get our way, huh?" Sam followed me.

"You literally turn into a wall when I talk to you. I can see it in your eyes, Sam. You're just like a hallow shell. Do you not feel anything anymore?"

"Tell me why I'd want to feel anything after what you've put me through!" He yelled. He slammed his fist down onto the counter and let out an angry growl. I froze, watching him. His eyes showed me pain.

"God, I wish I didn't feel anything!" Sam's eyes started to water. "I wish I didn't meet you. I wish I didn't need you. I wish I never even loved you, but guess what? I did, I do and I can't let you go." He inhaled and exhaled quickly. There were tears slowly sliding down his cheeks.