All of the Lights

Chapter Twenty

Previously...

I slid against the door, kneeling on the floor. My head fell into my hands and I cried.

I cried for Sam. I cried for my thoughts. I cried for the little girl that I used to be, who never in a million years imagined everything I've experienced would happen. I cried for the love I was so hungry for. I cried for the pain that was controlling me. I cried for Rob. I cried for my parents. I even cried for myself.

And then I let the pain over ride my brain and control it... Again.

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Chapter Twenty

"Riley?" Sam knocked on the bedroom door. When I didn't answer, I heard him open it and look around the room for me. He finally came to the bathroom and jiggled the handle.

"Oh God, Riley. Please." His voice cracked. I could hear him let out continuous sighs. He was panicked, feeling déjà vu. Instead of barging in again, I heard him slump against the door. His head hit against the hard wood.

"Riley?" He whispered. I was on the opposite side, sitting in the same position.

"Yeah?" I choked out.

"Don't leave me." His words were shaky. I could tell how hard he was trying to keep together. I let out a painful sigh.

Why is this happening?

"I'm going to be selfish, ok? Just let me be selfish and keep you with me. Please." He whispered.

"But then I'm the one being selfish. If I stay with you, I'm only going to hurt you." I breathed. I couldn't believe that I was actually telling him this. I was giving Sam a piece of my brain. I was helping him understand what I was feeling.

Maybe he understands...

"You know what'll hurt more? Knowing that I wasn't able to help you... And that I could've tried harder." Sam's voice was relaxed now. He was probably one of the strongest people I knew.

"But it wouldn't be your fault. You would have nothing to do with my decisions."

"Fuck." Sam groaned. "You would think that I'd have an impact on you in some way."

"Sam, I didn't mean it like that."

"So... Leaving me is something easy for you, right?"

"Sam..."

"That hurts..." He took in a few deep breathes. I could hear his anger start to fume. He was doing a good job of keeping it controlled, though.

"You would be so happy if you got rid of me. You'd have a girlfriend who would treat you a thousand times better than me, you'd be successful, you'd enjoy your life..."

"Bullshit. The happiest moments of my life have all been with you." Sam spoke. He shifted his position.

"You just don't understand. The whole world wants me to fail. I can't..." I felt more tears start to slither off of my cheeks.

"Then don't let them win." Sam replied. I stayed silent, not sure of what to say.

"Is Rob gone?" I asked after a minute or two.

"Yeah."

"Good." I opened the bathroom door. Sam's body tilted backwards due to his weight leaning on the door. He stood up, giving me a questioning look.

"You're still sleeping on the couch." I joked. A small smile creeped up the corner of my lips. I saw a wide smirk grow on Sam's. He let out a small chuckle and pulled me into his chest.

"I miss you... I miss us." Sam whispered in my ear. His fingers started to find their way under my shirt. They brushed past my hips, making me inhale sharply.

"Sam?" I questioned, unsure of his intentions. Then it hit me.

Don't you dare, Bernard.

Sam's smirk grew bigger and bigger as his fingers made their way to my sides. I stayed still, trying not to laugh. He smiled and pulled me over his shoulders.

"Sam, don't!" I laughed. He threw me onto the bed, climbing after me. He hovered over me and dug into my sides with his fingers.

"Sam! Stop!" I laughed.

"It's easier to do this on the bed." He laughed. He pulled my hands out of his way, giving him easier access to my stomach. He lightly sat on top of my legs, removing them as a road block.

"S...stop!" I shrieked. He continued to tickle me. Up my sides, down my hips; the pattern relentlessly went on.

"I... I... Can't... Br... Breathe!" I managed to say in between laughs. Sam's eyes beamed as he stopped tickling me. He had a huge smile plastered on his face. I gave him one back, feeling like we both just took a huge step forward.

"You can be happy... But in order to be happy, you have to want to be happy." He leaned over me, kissing me on the nose.

"I want to be happy." I stated. It was the truth. I can't even count the many times I've wanted to be happy.

"Good. Then you're on your way." He rolled off of me, laying on his side. He laid a heavy arm around my waist and pulled me into him.

"I'm on my way." I repeated, trying to get the sentence stuck in my brain.

Maybe if I believe it, it will happen.

"Should we get to bed?" Sam kissed my shoulder.

"I should get to bed. You should get to couch." I lamely attempted to joke. Sam laughed, harder than he should've, and nudged his arm into my shoulder.

"You could work on your jokes." He smirked.

"And you could work on your bad breath."

"Whatever." He laughed, rolling off the bed. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, then."

Is he really going to sleep on the couch?

"Wait!" I called, pulling myself up. "I thought you couldn't sleep without me."

He turned around and flashed me a hopeful smile. Sam was acting so normal. The sad part was that acting normal felt foreign.

"I can't. I was just gonna' suffer a night, though... For you." He winked. He walked back up to the bed.

"Oh, stop." I rolled my eyes. "Just get in bed and let's go to sleep."

Sam's smile was from ear to ear as he climbed in. He snuggled up next to me, pulling me as close as possible. He left small kisses on my body, but failed to give my lips attention.

I haven't actually kissed Sam in a while.

"Thank you." I whispered to him, giving in to his love. I was depressed. I was mentally torn apart. I was suicidal. However, I wasn't a heartless witch. I couldn't make myself not respond to Sam's love. I needed him and he needed me. Sometimes we're far away from each other... But other times, we're practically overlapping.

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Do you think Riley's going to get better? Let me know in the comments! Hope you all have had a great week so far, and I'll see you soon with another update. :)

Evolislove