All of the Lights

Chapter Sixteen

Previously...

"This is what you've been using?" He held the razor in front of me. It was stained red with blood from last night. I took a deep swallow and nodded my head.

"It's gone. It's not in charge of you anymore. It's gone." He was breathing heavily. He bit his lip, trying to keep in shaky breaths. "You're done doing this."

I nodded my head and watched him. He couldn't look me in the eyes. He stumbled to the end of the bed, falling on his knees.

"Please." He begged.

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Chapter Sixteen

As my cuts and bruised ribs started to heal, I began to feel anxious. I needed pain. I needed to hurt myself. I couldn't cut myself due to Sam. I couldn't hurt him.

I continued to live recklessly, though. Sam started to notice, too. He always kept his eye on me. He knew what I was up to. He knew I didn't care about my life anymore. What bothered him the most was that he couldn't do anything to help me. He had to sit there and watch me risk it all.

I felt terrible about what I was putting Sam through. I loved him, so much. But I couldn't love myself. Sam was taking this situation really hard. He blocked out everyone except Jake, who also lived with us. Sam even became distant with me. He was always worried about me and never told me how he was feeling anymore.

Cody wanted to fix Sam and his relationship, but he couldn't. He couldn't stand talking to Sam. There was something about them that confused me, still. I didn't understand why they hated each other so much.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room by myself. Sam was out finding drug dealers. He had been craving marijuana more and more these days.

He never did drugs when I started dating him. His recent addiction started forming this year. He started drinking more, too. Not enough to make him sloppy and forgetful, but enough to make him numb. I couldn't help but feel like it was my fault.

Jake walked into the living room. He plopped himself on the couch across from me.

"Riley, can we talk?" He looked behind him, seeing if anyone was around.

I shrugged and nodded my head.

"I know you're going through a difficult time right now, but... I just..."

Jake sighed. "Sam is a mess, Riley. He's practically beating himself up because he doesn't know how to make you happy anymore. And, I mean, I know you're not happy... But... You can't shut out Sam. He doesn't deserve that."

I stared at my legs, not wanting to make eye contact.

"I love you Riles, I really do, but you can't do this. Sam's trying. He's trying so hard, but you never let him in. You block out everyone and that bugs Sam so much. I can't tell you how many times that kid has come into my room in tears. Tears, Riley! I've never seen him cry, ever, and now it's like a weekly thing. You're ruining him."

I could feel tears well up in my own eyes. Jake sat down next to me and rubbed my shoulder.

I didn't know he was that hurt...

"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty... I'm trying to make you understand that you're affecting so many people."

"Jake, I just can't... Be normal. I'm never going to be the same person I was... Like, I just don't know how to fix myself."

"I get it. I do. I mean, this isn't an easy thing to go through... I'm just asking you to talk to Sam. Let him know how you're feeling. Tell him you love him, or whatever, because he feels like shit.