I Love You. So Much. (A Kohnnie Fanfic) (boyxboy)

Chapter 28 - Johnnie

(Johnnie's POV)

"Its okay Kyle. You don't have too, its okay." I say, rubbing his back as tears slip from my eyes. I didnt know it would do that to him. Yea, because I was being a stupid insensitive prick again, as always. "I'm so sorry Kyle." I say, rubbing his back, trying to comfort him and he sat next to me on my bed, his hands on his knees as he bawled. God damnit Johnnie. "Its okay sweetheart. I don't have to see. I won't look. I promise I won't look." I said, referring to the fact he didn't want to change with me and my stupid ass had to go and ask why. "Kyle. Can I hold you?" I ask, not wanting to offend or hurt the the fragile boy anymore than I already have. He just nodded, not looking up.

"Shhh. Its okay baby boy, its okay." I say as I pull him into my lap, his legs on each side of me as his head rested in my shoulder, my hand rubbing hiss back. 

Sniffling, he pulled away after a second, looking into my eyes as some of his hair fell on his face "Your so beautiful baby. As much as I want to see all of you, I wont pressure you. I wont ask again, im sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." I say, pressing a kiss to the side of his mouth. He just put his head in my chest, hugging me.

.

"I'm so proud of you baby." I state "p-please don't watch." He said, looking down at the plate "I'm sorry baby. I wont look." I say, looking away "Please don't be sorry for me." He said "Of course i'm gonna be sorry." I say, rubbing his back, still not looking at him. "Why would you be sorry? I did this to myself." He said 'I deserve it anyway.' I heard him whisper to himself.

"You do not deserve this." I state. How could he think he deserved this? He didn't deserve any of this. Not one scar on his body. Not one skipped meal. Not one suicidal thought. He didn't deserve any of it.

"I do Johnnie." He said, his eyes still not meeting mine. "You do not." I state, once again "But I do, Johnnie. I do." He whispered, his voice hitching, I could tell he was close to breaking down again, and I didn't want that to happen. Crying was helpful to get out emotions sometimes, but he had already broke down multiple times today, I wanted to keep him away from any negative feeling during the night, not wanting him to doing anything stupid.

I just keep having this dream that,

I go to sleep, Kyle doesn't.
He stays awake, alone with his thoughts.
I wake up, and he's not in bed with me
I get up, looking for him
I cant find him anywhere
I check the whole house, not finding him
Till I check the bathroom
But its too late.
It's far to late.

I've had that dream so many times. Its scares me so so badly, I've woke up to the thought, crying so many times, reaching over and feeling Kyle. So happy he was there, so happy he was in the bed with me.  So happy I didn't loose him. I haven't been able to sleep longer than a few minutes at a time since his attempt.

"Johnnie a-are you okay?" Kyle speaks, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Huh- what- w-why wouldn't I be?" I ask "Y-your crying" He says, a scared look spread across his face

Feeling my cheeks I realize they were wet. "Oh- y-yea. I'm fine." I say, wiping my face and pulling myself together. "Johnnie a-are you sure?" Great. Now I've worried him. I cant do anything right. "I'm okay. I promise. K-Kyle. please promise me you would talk to me if you e-ever felt the need to- to- t-to end your life again." I say, almost breaking down

"I will. Don't worry. i'll talk to you, I promise." He spoke. "Thank you. I love you so much, Kyle. I never wanna loose you. Please don't ever leave me." I say, wiping more tears off my face. "I love you too, Johnnie. I'll try my best to stay, alright. It'll be okay." He said, pressing a kiss to my cheek, making me blush and chuckle a little "Can I get one of those on my lips?" I ask, giggling slightly.

He put his hands on my cheeks, wiping my tears away with his thumbs, connecting our lips as my hands tangled in his hair.

Pulling away a saliva strand connected up before it snapped, staring into each others eyes we kissed again, this one being shorter than the last, before I pulled him in for a hug.

"Kyle?" I ask "Yea?" He replies as I hold him in my arms

"Will you still try to eat if I make you some food, we can cuddle and eat in our room. I wont look at you." I say, hopping he will agree "I will. Thank you for caring about me, Johnnie. I love you so much."  He says, looking into my eyes.

"I'll always care about you. Forever. No matter what happens, I'll love you forever. I love you. So much." I whisper the last part, holding him into my chest

.

"I love you Kyle." I say, his back pressed against my front as my hands wrapped around him, our legs tangled together.

"I love you too Johnnie." He replied, scooting further back, closer to me, I hug his torso tighter, smelling his hair. "I'm so proud of you. Your doing so good." I say, running my fingers through his hair