Torn

32.

     "Mila?  What's wrong?"

     I lay beside Josh on his living room couch.  he gently rubbed the palm of his hand up and down my side.

     My mind had been drifting and I realized I had no idea what Josh had been saying.  I plastered a fake smile on my face.  "Nothing, just thinking."

     Josh's eyes revealed that he didn't buy it, but he said nothing to counter it.

     I placed my hand on the back of Josh's neck and pulled his face to mine.  Our lips met, just like countless other times, but this time felt different.  My guilt was too close to the surface.  I was sure that Josh would be able to sense it somehow.

     He seemed not to notice and wrapped his arms around me and pulled my body flush with his.  Our kisses deepened and I ran my fingers through his wild hair.  An image of Mike flashed into my mind.  Startled, I pulled away.

     Josh looked into my eyes, his head cocked off to one side.  Confusion plagued his face.  "What?  What is it?"

     I felt something give.  I cracked.  I couldn't do it any longer.  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.  "Josh, we need to talk."  I had to tell him everything.  It was eating me up inside and I couldn't have Hannah be the one to tell him.  He deserved better than this.

     "Okay..."  Josh looked concerned.  He sat up and bit the skin at the side of this thumb.  A nervous habit.  "So, what's up?"

     "I, um..."  I tugged nervously at a strand of hair.  Josh's smile faded as he looked at me.  Was he angry?  What if he already suspected something?  Fear and anxiety crept up my spine from deep within the pit of my stomach.  How was he going to react when I told him?  What was he going to say?  Would he ever forgive me?

     I didn't have much time to ponder these questions, as Josh was staring at me, expectantly.  "Well?"

     This was is, there was no turning back now.  I was about to reveal this gigantic secret and find out just how much Josh loved me.