Torn

33.

     "Pregnant?!"  Josh's face paled.  "Really?  Wow, okay, um.... this, this is not at all what I was expecting."  He stood up and paced in front of me.  "But no, wait, this is good."  He smiled and his whole face lit up.  "Mila, this is amazing!"

     This crushing weight slammed hard against my chest.  Josh was happy.  Like so happy!  Now I had to come clean and crush his new found dreams of our happy little family.

     "Josh, wait..."

     "You'll have to move in here of course.  I can turn the spare room into the baby's room.  We need to get a crib."  He was talking a mile a minute.  "Man, we are going to need to get a lot of stuff ready."

     Tears poured down my face.  "Josh stop!"

     His paused, his brow knit with confusion.  "Mila?  What's wrong?"

     "The baby might not be yours."

     Josh just stood there.  I wondered if he had even heard me.

     "Josh?"

     He threw his hands up in front of himself.  "Wait.  Hold on a minute.  What do you mean that the baby might not be mine?  I thought that they made sure to give you that morning after pill at the hospital after Darry raped you?"  His expression was utter confusion.

     God, this was going to be so hard.  "They did.  I took the pill.  That's not what I am talking about."

     His face hardened and he took a step back.  "Then what the hell are you talking about?"

     "I... I slept with someone else."  I couldn't look him in the eyes.  I stared at his bare feet.  "I'm so sorry Josh.  It was a one time thing."

     He crossed the room in quick strides and got right into my face.  "Who?  Who was it Mila?  Do I know him?"  He stared down at me, as if daring me to lie to him.  

     "Mike."  I whispered.

     "WHO?!?!"  Josh screamed.  He had never raised his voice at me before.  Never.  But I guess that everyone has their limits.

     "MIKE!"  I screamed back.  "It was Mike!  Please Josh, just let me explain..."  I felt like I had been using that line for far too long now.

     "MIKE!?  You had sex with one of my best friends?!"  His crystal blue eyes were wild.  "What the fuck were you thinking?  How could you do that?"

     "I'm so sorry Josh!  I never wanted to hurt you."  I felt horrible.  I felt dirty and ashamed.  

     "How long?  How long has this been going on behind my back?"  Josh's breathing was labored, ragged.

     "Not long.  This all started a couple weeks after the whole Darry incident.  Please, Josh, just listen."

     "To What?"  He yelled.  "What do you want to tell me Mila?  Do you want to tell me how and where you did it?  Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?  Well save it!"  He spun away from me.  "You make me sick!"

     "Josh!"  I cried, my voice cracking.  "Baby, please just let me explain..." tears poured from my eyes.  I couldn't stand to see the pain that I was putting him through.  I deserved to feel it though.  I deserved to feel it all.

     "How?"  He turned back around angrily to face me.  "How can you justify doing that?"

     "I'm not trying to point blame or anything here, I just need you to understand what happened."  I reached out and placed me hand on his arm.  He angrily shook me off.