Hands on Me (A Twilight Fanfiction written by IndependentIndividuality)

Chapter One: In Which the Aggravated-Air-Through-Nose Sound Irritates

DISCLAIMER: NOT MY STORY PLEASE DONT SUE ME

Disclaimer: I am not Stephanie Meyer - just a sorta-kinda-only-on-wednesdays-in-the-closet fan. I also don't own the lovely quote by Oscar Wilde or the title, which is the title of a Vanessa Carlton song that I found strangely fitting. Don't sue me, please.

Chapter One: In Which the Aggravated-Air-Through-Nose Sound Irritates

if you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. otherwise, they'll kill you.

- oscar wilde

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I was running. Running like I'd never ran before, the ground flying under my feet, the sky blurring around me, the air rushing past my face as I hurled myself further and further into happy oblivion. I darted through trees and over lakes and around valleys, feeling for all the world as though my life was perfect. Once I reached the Washington state border, though, I knew I had to turn around and return home. I let the wind carry me back, leaping and bounding and hoping more than absently that this forest wasn't a frequent of hunters. My family wouldn't take too kindly to me coming home with a bullet wound or winding up on the front page of the paper.

I slowed to a human pace as I reached the edge of clearing to our home, a familiar voice ricocheting off the walls at an inhuman octave. Though to be fair, of any home, ours seemed to be the most likely place for inhuman things to occur.

I stepped through the door and into utter chaos.

"A BACKYARD WEDDING?" Alice shrieked, looking as though someone had suggested she murder children and sell their organs on the black market. "WITH A FISHING THEME? Who in their right mind, would choose to get married with a fishing theme?"

She glared around at us when no one answered. My mother and father sat quietly together on the loveseat, whispering to each other and Rosalie and Jasper were highly involved in a game of chess on the floor not far away. Emmett, on the other hand, sitting as close as possible to Alice in order to better enjoy the chaos, was quick to egg her on.

"I don't know, Alice – maybe we could all wear fishing hats with reels and bobs on them or something." He grinned, knowing exactly what he had done. Mom shot him an exasperated look as Alice started up again.

"Fishing hats! With reels and bobs? It is unacceptable, it is blasphemy, that's what it is – an insult to the sanctity of marriage. I cannot allow it to occur!"

I smelled a familiar scent wafting in from the open door, just before I felt a warm hand slip into mine. I immediately felt better. I looked up at my personal sun, who grinned down at me quickly, before turning to survey the scene with interest.

"What can she not allow to occur?" He asked me absently, watching Alice from the corner of his eye as though she might begin to spit venom. I would have to admit, if they allowed her to go on in this fashion for much longer, she just might.

"A fishing theme," I replied, pretending to wrinkle my nose in distaste. "Apparently, it is a shame to humanity."

Jake stared back at me with wide eyes.

"A fishing theme? Oh, the horror!" He cried, and dove behind me as though he would use me for a shield.

"Not a fishing theme!" He pretended to sob from behind my waist. He used the placement of his hands to his advantage, and tickled me. I wiggled in his arms and shrieked with laughter, which unfortunately, brought Alice's attention upon us.

"And you!" She shrieked, pointing a finger in our direction. I was suddenly very scared. "You filthy stinking dog! I stuck up for you! I liked you! I even told you when Rosalie spit in your food!"