Once upon a time there lived a boy named Aaron, a mum named Katie and a dad named Dave. They all lived in a house in Dublin. Aaron used to like vegtables but then he discovered saturated fats. If you are wondering what that is it is junk food. Anyway, after a while he didn't want to eat vegtables. ''I don't want any vegtables i want pizza'', he said every night to his parents. ''But Aaron vegtables are good for you'', his mother Katie said. ''I still want pizza'', he always roared to his parents. That night Dave and Katie had a talk with each other. ''What are we going to do about Aaron''? asked Katie. ''I know,'' said Dave. And he whispered into Katie's ear. ''You want us to put vegtable soup into his pizza''? asked Dave. ''That's exactly it,'' said Dave. ''Hmmm, i don't think that is a good idea he would just realise it,'' said Katie. ''Oh, i didn't think of that,'' said Dave. Later on Aaron was fast asleep when suddenly the window flew open and the most scary ghost you would have ever seen in your whole life came through the window. ''Please don't hurt me take anything you want just don't hurt me,'' pleaded Aaron. ''I won't hurt you unless you eat your vegtables,'' the ghost said. ''I will, i will,'' said Aaron. ''Ok,'' said the ghost and he flew out the window and was never seen again. The next night his parents got a shock. All Aaron wanted to eat was vegtables! ''What has happened''? asked Katie. ''I just want to try out vegtables,'' said Aaron. And he loved them! And from then on Aaron always ate vegtables.
The End!
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Wow, now here's a story I can really sink my teeth into! There are so many problems with this, I genuinely don't know where to start!
- No, I really did not know how to spell 'vegetable'. Out of the 9 times i used the word in this story, I did not spell it correctly once. How very amateurish.
- ''If you are wondering what that is it is junk food.'' I'm a bit of a condescending prick, amn't I?
- Anyone else notice Dave having a conversation with himself when asking about the 'vegtable soup pizza'? Most would probably see this as some sort of communication error on the writer's behalf, but I feel this is further evidence of the fact that this story is taking place inside the head of Dave himself. That little error was Dave suddenly realising that he is indeed talking to himself, but he catches on very quickly and maintains his previous personas. Y'see, this is a lot deeper than you thought, eh?
- ''Oh, i didn't think of that'' might be the silliest line of dialogue I've written so far over the course of these stories. I have no idea what I was thinking with that one, I probably thought I was king of the punchlines back when I wrote that which is the saddest thing about it.
- ''I won't hurt you unless you eat your vegtables'' Hold on. Hold on a second. You're saying that if I do eat my vegetables, you will hurt me? Surely that's a good thing for Aaron, now he never has to eat vegetables for the rest of his life. Instead, Aaron chooses to eat vegetables for every meal for the rest of his life, and is essentially condemning himself to eternal damnation for disobeying the orders of Mr. Deus ex Machina. What a pleb.
- Finally, the only reason I knew what saturated fats meant was because of an episode of Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids that referenced it. I was inspired by some real highbrow stuff as you can tell.
Overall rating - 7 out of 10. This is as good as it gets folks. It may have been absolute bollocks, but at least it was amusing. A rare case of 'it's so bad it's good'.
Join us next time for one of my most 'acclaimed' stories that had everybody on their knees begging for more literary goodness. Is it as good as it seemed? God no, but let's see what it's really like.....
(Today's song is the first appearance in this project of my favourite band of all time. It's 'Mr. Carbohydrate' by Manic Street Preachers, which was a b-side to their 1996 single 'A Design For Life'. Sure, Aaron probably wasn't into carbohydrates, and the song is barely about food at all, but it was the first song I thought of, so why the hell not?)
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Stories from My Youth: The Complete Chronicles
Storie breviOnce upon a time, there was a boy named Jack. His childhood was a mess, so he used to spend his time in his head creating his very own universes filled with magic, wonder, everyday activities, plot holes and grammatical errors. He would then documen...
