Darkness Within Her Soul

Chapter One

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson 

  

I stared at my self in the mirror. My face looked the same as it always had. My dark black hair flowed down my back and made its way down. It was always soft and wavy. i couldnt hate my hair. it was always perfect. My skin was its perfect natural self. The glow of crying still showed. that soft tint of pink your skin gets when your blood rushes to the surface. Except my eyes were their same lifeless self. The madness of my life had crept up on me. I had everything to live for. I had so much to be thankful for. I was alive, I was relatively healthy.  Everything was perfect. I had the perfect life. Perfection was the copious part of my existence. I had nothing to be this sad about. The dejected feeling I had weighing me down was growing to an excessive amount.

I looked down at my arms. I had not done it in long time. I had stopped when I was caught by my parents two years ago. After the accident I just wanted to end everything. I just wanted all life to cease. I needed everything to just stop. To just end everything I had felt and everything I couldn’t take anymore. I had to perfect for everybody. The pressure I felt from my friends and family just got to be unbearable.

My arms were wet with little bits of blood. It was flowing lightly down my arms into the sinks edge swirling down into the small bit of water that formed in the bottom of the sink.  I had to stop doing this. They would find out again. They’d send me back to the doctors again. I turned the sink water back on and washed the cut I had made. The cut that had felt so much relief making a second ago.

I found the bandages and covered the small cut up stopping the brief bit of exhilaration I felt. I pulled my shirt back down over the mark and put my jacket on. I grabbed my backpack I had brought into my bathroom with me while getting ready for school. I almost always got ready with everything in here so that nobody would bug me. My mother and father and my siblings always loved to bug me until I was busy answering their billions of questions. They never asked the right ones. They never wanted to know if I was alright or if I was happy. They just wanted to know if everything was perfect and the way they wanted it.  If my grades were high and if my friends were still the classy ones. Little did they know my grades weren’t high and my friends were far and few in between. 

I put my backpack on my right shoulder. I pulled my pants up a little bit, they had dragged down a bit. I already had my shoes on before I went into my panic fit before doing what I vowed id stop doing.

I opened the door and peaked outside. Nobody was in sight. Considering it was a Monday  and it was 730 the house should be a busy mess. Yet it was so quiet I could hear the sounds of cars driving past our house on the street. The eerie silence was making me more nervous. Where was everybody?

I opened the door wide and stepped outside and shut the door behind me with a soft click. My sneakers didn’t make a sound I walked down the hall and down the stairs.  I made my way into the kitchen and found that it was vacant as well. My house was empty. At 730 in the morning when everybody should be awake and running around like mad people there was nothing. I let the feeling of emptiness fade away, grabbed a banana from the counter. I ate it quickly and threw away the peal. I hiked my bag up and made my way outside and down the drive way.

Normally my friends use to pick me up for school everyday. Lately I had wanted to walk so many times that they gave up on picking me up anymore. They pretty much just gave up on me all together. I couldn’t blame them. The mask I usually wore had been broken cracked and thrown away two months ago. So many things had gone down. So many fucked up things I couldn’t even label them all and put them in a box and throw them away. They ate away at my soul. The demons inside my mind just wouldn’t shut up and leave me be. Everything I ever said and everything I ever did seemed endlessly horrible. Like when I died, god was going to take one look at me and send me straight to hell. I had been one of those mean girls.

One accident had changed me. One bad decision had ruined it all for me. My friends didn’t understand why I was so bothered by it. I was devastated. They just drank away their sadness and smoked until their pain went away. He was gone. They acted like it wasn’t my fault. They seemed to just blame it on an accident and let it go. It ate at my soul bit by bit.

I couldn’t live with what I did, but they could. Even if it wasn’t my fault, or so I kept being told it wasn’t. I felt like it was my fault. If I really wanted to get down to it, it was my doing.

I walked down the block until I made it half way to school. I had about a half hour until school would start. A half hour left to forgive myself and paint on a smile. The deadness within my heart had to become alive again.  I had to make it through another day.

It didn’t seem right.

It didn’t seem fair.

I had to live, while…He was just dead.

Dedication to:

Wattpad - Member : Explode:

The first set of stories i read on wattpad that had to totally hooked. I love her stories. her completely different and unique stories had me thinking about getting back into writing myself., and i did.