Darkness Within Her Soul

Chapter Nineteen

"Hope is the thing with feathers, That perch in the soul, And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all." Emily Dickenson

I got my things together for school; I had every intention of going right to there. But my parents had stopped me on my way out and they argued about going to the police. I argued that it just didn't matter what were, they going to do "arrest a dead boy?" They wanted justice for me and I told them it didn't matter anymore. I would go to the police to explain the details to why Matt drove that night when I didn't before.

They didn't understand why I didn't just outright tell someone when the accident happened. We argued for a while, my siblings left for school, halting our conversational argument as they walked out the door. That's what they really wanted to know. Why I didn't tell. I couldn't give them a straight answer because I didn't even really know why I didn't. I just told them I was working on the why's in therapy which was a bit of a fib.

What they really wanted was someone to blame for the accident. Everyone wanted someone, anyone, to blame really. His parents blamed me. I was sure Caleb blamed me, he hated me. I was sure everyone would blame me.

Aiden sat on the couch silently watching the whole thing unfold. If this whole thing didn't make him run for the hills I didn't know what would. We weren't together as boyfriend and girlfriend type thing, but I wasn't ready for that. I should have been I should have been jumping at the chance. If my life was different, if I never met Matt. What if Aiden and I never lost touch? Things would have been different. Everything would have been different.

My thoughts drifted towards my time with Matt.

Poor little girl wasn't the perfect girlfriend and look what he had to do.

The thoughts danced around in my mind until I just squashed them away. The negativity was no longer a base inside me anymore. How dare he do this to me? How could he do this to me?

How was it fair that he got away with it?

But really he didn't get away with it now did he? I thought to myself. He died, because you were too weak.

No, I wasn't weak; I just wasn't ready or able to stand up for myself yet.

After my parents let me go with many tears, mostly from my mother. I reassured my father that I would go to the police station after school. That Aiden would take me, that made my father brighten slightly from, the very somber look, his normal happy face held. Aiden was pretty quiet. I wondered what he was thinking pretty much every time I glanced in his direction.

Why would a perfect guy like Aiden want such a fucked up girl like me?

What was so great about me?

I couldn't understand it but I accepted it.

We walked hand in hand to school. Which was not normal for me to say the least normally I want alone. Being with Aiden made all those moments of emptiness seem like distance memories. I didn't see Matt's figure anymore. I once thought he was a ghost haunting me. I thought I deserved it, I thought his death was my doing, my fault. Matt's "ghost" had just been my guilt making me feel pity for myself. "His leftovers." The lasting effects he had on my mind. All the years of him making me feel worthless just ate at me and made me think he was still around.

The somber thoughts made my face contort into sadness and Aiden saw this and stopped me when we were about a block from school.

"What's wrong." His loving voice caressed my ears. My lips hitched slightly at the excessive caring in his tone. I turned and hugged him tightly. He wrapped his arms around me and held me back tight, if not tighter then I could ever hold him. He rubbed my back, up and down until I looked up at him.