Darkness Within Her Soul

Chapter Three

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." ~Anais Nin

I slowly collected my bag from next to my chair. I was the last to leave, considering that I had not even emptied my backpack like everybody else did, and I was still the last to be leaving had to be some kind of clue. Everybody leaves some kind of mark on the Earth; everybody leaves some kind of shadow. The fact that nobody noticed me anymore should have bothered me or shocked me at least. It had been two months. It had been two long months of utter silence. I blocked out the whispers and the hushed gossip between peers. Somehow I just made it through days and weeks and then months without a bother. I could feel the looks and hear the whispers. I didn't know what they said but I had a very good idea. They pitied me. I was sure if everyone didn't feel bad for me, they hated me.

Karma was getting her just deserts.

I made my way to my next class and the class after that, without much effort on my part. I was sure soon my parents would get some kind of call or letter from school, stating my lack of effort in all subjects. Like daddies little princess, I would get whatever I needed to help me. I should probably get myself to make some kind of effort before I flunk out of high school, but it just didn't seem worth it. If I could have gotten away with never attending at all I would have. The truancy police would have called after a week and they would have known.

That fact that I got to watch him from the windows in the halls of school lately helped me be present. It was like he drew me here everyday and helped me get through the day. I knew he wasn't real I completely knew he wasn't alive. He just couldn't be. I watched him leave. I watched him leave me. I watched his last breath, and I watched him die.

It was my fault.

Accidents are just a kind way of saying something isn't your fault.

It was my fault. Deep down I knew the whispers were of "murderer".

The blackness inside my heart sucked all the happiness I once felt about being here and the coldness within my body from the brisk air as I walked home made me know I was still alive. Not in some eerie dream land.

I spent my days mostly feeling horrible. I spent my hours thinking of him. I had no other thoughts besides sadness and longing. The sadness overtook all I ever had inside. I longed for him to come hold my hand, kiss my lips, and make my skin feel warm again. Make me feel alive without him. I needed somebody to do that for me. I just needed.

I walked home; when I arrived I found the place empty again. Maybe I had missed something. Maybe they had told me they were going away and I just wasn't listening. That could be a big possible really. It was very possible because I never listened anymore. My parents talked and I kind of tuned them out like the static of their voices made my want to puke. My siblings all three of them didn't understand. They couldn't understand how could they? They were little. They didn't understand love, and loss. The most they ever lost was a toy. I didn't expect them too.

Like most good parents mine had left me money on the counter I had not noticed this morning with a note. I read it quickly; it had said they went to visit my grandparents in San Francisco. We lived in California, a happy place with sunshine and beaches. People in beach wear all the time, and kids with solo cups twenty four seven. I use to love where I lived. I use to love the beach, parties, and friends. I use to love the sun shine.

We lived in Northern California, A small town called Erin. We were on the waters edge, and it was close to season where the tourists would show up at the parks to camp. In a town our size, everybody knew everybody else. When a new family moved in it was like the town threw a party. The fact that I didn't know that boy in class today was not really all that abnormal. I had not been in the loop for a while. Whatever gossip was going around was most likely about me still. I briefly wondered who he was and where he came from, and quickly washed it away. I got my purse bag, put some odds and ends inside locked up my house and made my way to the park.