Darkness Within Her Soul

Chapter Nine

We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict. ~Jim Morrison

"Lilianna!" Dr. Perkins shouted at my quickly exiting form.

The tears streaming down my face felt hot and endless.. I ran as quickly out of the door as I could, slamming it quickly. I took off running to the right. After a quick glance, I made the choice to go right because it seemed more deserted then the left direction. The only thing I could notice were people watching me from shop windows as I ran for my life.

I ran because I couldn't stay and face her.

I ran because I couldn't feel this way today.

She would tell me I was wrong and it wasn't my fault, and there would be more questions. More unanswered questions I didn't want to have to face. Accusations that I wasn't telling the trust would be imminent. How could I not tell anyone? How no one could know this? See this? It couldn't be true. I opened the Pandora's Box. Soon everyone would know and the whispers of murderer would be altered to Murderous Abuse victim. The looks of pity and sadness would just turn to shame.

It was shameful enough to live it once. I didn't feel I wanted to live it all over again. I deserved this sadness. His death was my fault. I wished he'd die so many times when he took his fist and punched me in my body.

I wished his death countless times.

But I also loved him. I lied for him.

But nonetheless, I loved him.

I made it about two blocks before taking a sharp right at the corner of Main and Pine and my body collided with something hard. I fell down hard on my behind.

I look up quickly and notice I have ran into a person. Its not a stranger either. On all days why did I have to run into him. On all days why did god hate me so much. Oh right I forgot for a second, because I deserved this torment.

The person in question was a friend I no longer had. Caleb Jensen.

Caleb didn't look all the different from the last time I had really seen him. He was older, as was I. He looked about the same, short brown hair, brown eyes, fare complexion, same muscular build all footballers had. He was always a nice guy. He would have given the shirt off his back to a total stranger. He was one of the few who had spent days at the hospital with me while I was recovering. He wouldn't leave. We didn't speak, well he spoke ..a lot. I however was my own personal veggie. I just wanted him to leave then, so I could die and be with .....Matt..

Caleb didn't understand, he wanted us to still be the way we were. I couldn't be the way we were two years ago.. I wasn't me anymore.

I blinked up at him wiping my wet cheeks with the sleeve on my jacket. I put my hands down and pushed myself up, before Caleb could really get a chance to help me up, or do much of anything. He had a very shocked look on his face. Whenever I saw him in school he avoided me now. He understood I didn't want him around. He know how Matt was, but not completely he was closer and closer to seeing the truth. The accident hid everything. The only thing that the doctors saw and knew wasn't from it was how I dealt with all the pain and unhappiness I had been feeling for so long. The cuts I hide along with the scars he gave me. most were healed but I had a few from previous days when he had hit me.

The emotional problems I had and the mask I wore worked well enough except around Caleb he could read you like a friggin book.

Caleb was Matt's best friend. I met Caleb when I met Matt. It was a funny thing. I met them in 9th grade on my first day. I had spent that summer alone, just getting ready for growing up and entering high school. I was so excited and happy. On the first day I had worn my favorite dress.