Darkness Within Her Soul

Chapter Eighteen

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. ~ Dorothy Thompson

unedited 3/2/14

I shot straight out of my bed gasping for air. I felt this heaviness in my chest and I heaved in a breath. I gulped in air like I was starving for it. Sweat was dripping down my back, neck and face in streams. My dreams had never been this intense before. I mean I relived things a lot. I relived the accident many nights over and over watching Matt die before my eyes. This was somehow different. I felt like this dream had been somewhere stuck inside my mind and I wanted to never relive it again.

It was the day I met Matt all over again, and then the gradual decent of our relationship into this bottomless pit where I was left gasping for air as he choked me. He took my life over and over again making me relive everything. My hands had shot up to my throat, clawing at my skin to get his grip from around my larynx loose. I knew the dreams would get worse. I knew my life just couldn't take one of these happy moments and just go with it.

I felt something wet on my collarbone and I got up form my bed slowly throwing my covers on the floor and padding over to my dresser with a large mirror behind it. I looked at my reflection and looking back at me wasn't myself. It was this hollow girl I always hated and saw every morning when I woke up.

My neck had bloody scratches on them. I must have done that while I slept. I couldn't believe it. I grabbed a tissue and blotted the scratches until it seemed like the blood had stopped. They weren't too deep, but skin had been broken near the curve of my neck.

I sighed loudly to myself and went into the bathroom.

I started the shower, and got undressed getting inside and shutting the curtain. I stood under the hot water for a long time just letting the pelts beat my back. I grabbed my body wash and put a bit inside my palm, massaging it slowly and then spreading it over my belly and around the curves of my body. I lingered at all the spots I was ashamed of. All the scars he had caused and I rested my hands over my heart. Holding my hands to my chest I stood under the water and felt so much pain inside me. It hurt to have to feel this way.

I rubbed my fingers over the deep scar that lined above my heart where he had taken a broken bottle and cut me one night. I remembered him saying that if my heart didn't belong to him then it wouldn't belong to anyone.

My hands moved over all the spots I could feel all the moments of my short life and such painful memories had to be across my skin. I wanted to just rip my skin off and start over. I wanted to just peel away the layer of scar and just start new fresh without such memories.

I deserved that.

I put soap into my hair and washed it. I stood under the spray and just cried. Tears ran down my cheeks in hot drizzles. I let it all go. I let all the pain and all this heartache I felt go. I ended up crouching down in the tub and just felt the water hit my back and cascade over my head and down my face until I felt like everything was gone.

Today was the day I would let all these demons out. I would let everyone know what went on for real. Today I would be naked to the world for everyone to see.

For everyone to understand.

Why...

Why did no one see?

Why did no one care?

Why didn't anyone notice all the pain?

Why didn't I let anyone help me?

Why didn't they notice the changes in me? Why didn't anybody take the moment to say what's going on?

I got up from the shower and turned off the spray. I grabbed for a towel that hung on the wall and wrapped it around myself. I then went about putting my hair up into the other smaller towel. I knew what I needed to do today. I had to tell my parents the truth. If I was going to tell the police, they would have to be told at some point and I felt like if I told me parents first that somehow everything would be okay.