My Unorthodox Opinion - a collection of sarcastic rants about life

INSECTS AND OPEN WINDOWS

INSECTS AND OPEN WINDOWS

WARNING extreme swearing. Not

that you'll mind because if you did you wouldn't have clicked on this. Not something you would read with your mom and little bro. Thank you.

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Insects like bluebottles, bees, wasps etc are all a bunch of little BASTARDS. Hear me out ok?

Now what I mean by this is they scare the living shit outta me. I mean I can't go outside in summer, considering I live in the god damn countryside - I'll rant about the countryside another day.

Flies are my biggest problem right now. My parents open a window by half a fucking metre and the cast from Bug's Life come and start producing their second film. I'm being completely serious here. Bluebottles are huge and black and make the most hideous noises EVER. They fly aimlessly around my room, and when I open the window really wide, they're still so effin' dumb they can't see a window when it's open. I mean, they spend hours giving themselves brain damage that they already have by flying into closed windows. Then when you open the window it's like they're fecking blind; they can't see it's open.

Bees...give me a moment to contemplate just how big a pain in the ass they are. I have been stung by bees in the past; my parents were bee keepers I DO NOT RECOMMEND KEEPING BEES I SWEAR TO GOD DON'T DO IT!!!! IT RUINS YOUR LIFE

Anyway, when a bee gets stuck in your hair, the first thing it will do is sting you, right? Correct, have a round of applause there, give yourself a pat on the back. The sting hurts like a BITCH. I kid you not, your neck is paralysed for at least a week afterwards. My parents are both SEVERELY allergic to bees, so the chances are, I am too.

How to avoid being stung by a bee: NEVER EVER EVER go outside. EVER. In summer when all the normal teenagers are out on their bikes or terrorising the local petrol station by throwing coke and mentos against the wall (don't worry guys, your secret is safe with me -wink-) I am sitting inside, on Twitter - @LifeLoveSarcasm gimme a follow ;)

I spend my entire summer on twitter, Skype, Wattpad, not forgetting YouTube. All because of these bastards.

It's not fun.

Anyway, getting sidetracked here, back to bees and wasps. Bees are handy for human survival, they make honey and pollinate flowers and shit. Well, can they not waste the sorry life they have by forcing a week of pain on me? Bees die once they sting you, and they also emit a sent that attracts more bees to the place where they tortured their poor victim.

Wasps...ok...here we go. Wasps? They are the scum of insect-kind. They are the WORST. THING. IMAGINABLE. Ok...I have never been stung by a wasp. Even writing this I feel insecure...just now I mistook a piece of black fluff for a fly...yeah...

Anyway.

Wasps, if they sting your tongue, it swells up, blocks your breathing and you basically choke. You scared enough yet? Wasps are noisy, complete bitches, not in ANY WAY handy or useful for humans and just...dangerous. Why the hell did wasps evolve...?

Only last year we had a bee infestation when I had my BFF over at a sleepover. We spent the entire two days in my parents bedroom...the only place that was safe from the little buggers. Shout out to Franca who handled the situation a lot better than I did :)

Little tiny house flies aren't that bad, just a pain really. Other insects include moths who just invade my 'personal bubble'. Ok...crane flies...they are just...oh my god...

They buzz around your bathroom ceiling for ages at night cos they think the lightbulb is the fucking moon. Ok that is just...retarded in my opinion. Sorry.

Moving swiftly on to the cancer of insect kind (stealing danisnotonfire's jokes here, sorry >.<)

Ear wigs.

*deep breath* you ready? Ok here we go...

Earwigs? Get. The. Fuck. Off. This. Planet. Now.

What even are you? You don't make honey, you don't help humanity in any way, you are the reason I pull he covers over my head when I sleep!! You scare the fan girl out of me. I mean what's with those...sort of...claw things on your ass? Not that I spend my days staring at your ass - but in all seriousness can you tell me what your purpose on this planet is??? Like mine is to complain, shout and surf Twitter, but what's yours???? I just don't understand!

There ain't much else to say here I guess. You can tell by all the writing above I am severely phobic of insects. That phobia will not go away easily, if ever.

IF YOU WANT TO RANT ABOUT INSECTS AND BUGS DOWN BELOW, FEEL FREE. IF YOU WANT ME TO INCLUDE YOUR OPINIONS IN THE NEXT RANT, PLEASE SAY SO. THANKS

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THANKS FOR READING!!! LEAVE YOUR RANTS BELOW AND TOGETHER WE CAN COMPLAIN AND CHANGE NOTHING!!

See ya on the 12th of Never guys! Bye!

-Derpina McDerp (^_^)