OKAY SO MY STORY WILL MOST LIKELY END SOON AND THERE WILL NOT BE ANOTHER BOOK.
***October***
I come home from another chemo session and I am extremely tired. They have said my tumour has shrunk so that's good. Louis carries me bridal style into the bedroom and lays me on the bed.
"Arthur will get here in a few hours so rest your head beautiful." Louis tells me and goes to kiss my forehead but I pull a pillow over it.
I don't like myself very much. I'm way to skinny, I have no hair so I look like an alien. I don't know how Louis could call me beautiful, I don't even know how he could find me mildly attractive, I'm ugly. I'm still confused on why he wants to marry me.
"Hey, stop being such a child." Louis says and tries to take the pillow off me but I hold it tighter to my head. "Beautiful please don't hide." Louis says rubbing my leg.
"I'm comfortable." I reply. It's not a complete lie it's actually become quite comfortable.
"Please take the pillow off your face." Louis asks and I can tell he is a bit irritated.
"No." I reply.
"Danielle." Louis sighs.
"No." I say louder. I hear his footsteps pace around the room.
"For fuck sake, can you stop doing this, it's hard enough knowing the love of your life has cancer but you always acting like you're hideous and thinking I don't want to see you or be around you is starting really fucking piss me off." Louis says loudly and I close my eyes tightly and pull the pillow closer. "Do you realise how much I don't care about what you look like, you're beautiful to me whether you have hair or no hair whether you have cancer or not, I'm marrying you, you got to stop fucking assuming because you lost weight and have no hair, because you are going through chemo, that I'm just going to leave you." Louis yells and a few tears escape my eyes. I hear him sigh and walk back over to me and sit on the bed. "I love you, and I am trying so hard to help you through this but you keep trying to push me away. You have to stop thinking you're ugly or what ever your thinking... You know that if I could swap places with you I would." Louis says his voice still raised but not shouting.
"But that's not the point, the point is I think I am ugly. I think I am hideous. I actually physically resent myself. I'm disgusting. I can't look at myself in the mirror and find one part of my body that I actually like. I know you love me and I know this is hard for you, I'm trying so hard to make it easy for you... But it's so hard when I don't want people to see me or to be looked at because I don't like myself. I don't want you to be around me because I look like death and I hate what I look like. I hate it. I can't look nice for you, we can't go out because I'm too weak or because I don't want to be photographed looking like this. I hate it. I hate that you keep telling me I'm beautiful when I'm not." I shout as tears fall down my face. "I hate that you think I want you to leave, when you're the only person I never want to see leave again... I hate that I look like this, I hate it so much, I don't feel pretty or sexy or anything, I just feel like shit all the time, for the first time in my whole life I actually hate myself. I fucking hate that I can't look good for you or sexy or anything, and you saying I look beautiful doesn't help me feel better and I want it to. I want to be healthy, I want to be happy and love myself but I'm not. I'm dying." I cry and he pulls me into a hug and holds me tightly. "I'm sorry I'm making this so hard for you." I sob into his chest.
"Don't be love." Louis sighs. "I'm sorry for yelling."
"It needed to be said." I reply.
"I still shouldn't of yelled." Louis whispers and kisses under my earlobe. I breathe heavily and Louis rubs my back soothingly. We've had a few fights lately. We never really fought much before. However we seem to go to bed happy. Louis slightly pulls away and rests his forehead on mine. "You're the bravest girl I have ever known." He whispers to me and wipes the tears off my cheeks. "And I love you so much, I find you the sexiest person I've ever met, I have no idea how you can't see it." His hand cups my face and he moves his head down and kisses my lips softly. I softly kiss him back and slowly let go of his shirt. He slightly pulls away and looks me in the eyes. He runs a thumb over my bottom lip and kisses my forehead. "Now are you going to stop crying?" Louis asks and I nod my head.
